“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, then I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. ”
“There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you.”
― Charles Bukowski
What my society, institutions, family have told me my whole life is that I should simply toughen up, that I should stop being so sensitive and analytical. Never once did a teacher, mentor, coach, parent, tell me that I had something special to offer with my unique temperament. The rebukes and criticism always had a corrective implication, saying that I was defective in some way. I am grateful to now, at 27 years old, slowly yet suddenly this year, waking up to the fact that this somewhat counter-cultural disposition, is my greatest gift. Or is it just a side effect? in other words, it’s the whole package and the fact that I happen to be this way, also means that I happen to be 10 other awesome things that the materialist, rational, consumerist, product-whore world we live in, doesn’t appreciate or value. I was made a particular way by our creator because I have a purpose to serve on this earth. I was put here to serve some kind of purpose for others. I do not know exactly what my path is yet, but to feel like there is a real, tangible voice, intuition, with a message in the form of silent “heart-knowing” that I can access at any time is heartening and a life-altering realization. My connection to source gives me strength every day and it give me something to turn to when things in the material begin to fool me into thinking they are important. I have begun a relationship and apprenticeship with that voice and my self really, and it is like being revived after a lifetime of being comatose.
I realize that it is what I have needed my whole life: a mission, a purpose to serve for others, sent down from the mothership, or the mother spirit. There are probably many spirits working for each of us though, I’m looking forward to getting to know as many as I can and the way in which I can learn to hear them and follow their lead possibly to help other, but….. I gotta get the oxygen mask on my face first as the plane is going down, because let’s not forget I was and am still living in a mental minefield, a nuclear power plant of emotional volatility, I was a 5 year old kid strapped to a jetpack that could send me into any number of emotional storms, or outer space, not to mention the alcohol and drug use isn’t wise when operating a jetpack.
My capacity to have an empathy and reflex in response to those around me has caused me to have emotional burnout throughout my life, always taking on the burden of the pain, anger, sadness, jealousy, of those in my immediate proximity. I can usually feel a person’s mood when they enter a room, if it is negative in some way, his or her vibration will usually permeate my energetic field and make it harder to operate freely. The main theme is feeling responsible, guilty, or confused by the fact that I take on other’s emoting and confuse them for my own, it becomes hard to distinguish when you previously haven’t developed strong faith, boundaries, and trust in the self.
I am an extremely sensitive person, and I have been my whole life, to everyone and everything: emotions, sounds, noise, words, love, emotions of happiness, joy, misery, sadness. I have trained myself to operate in the world of relation and extroverts and the social dance, I have come a long way in becoming more resilient, but I feel I only reveal, or feel safe exposing the “real me” (if there is one) to very very few people, people that perhaps understand what it is like to be hyper-sensitive to the words, actions, feelings of others. Some classic extroverts I know and love, and they love me too, but I feel that some of them are loving the mask too much, because for some in that world, they only can see the mask because they have become so entrenched in the mask, the mask that conflates the amount, inflection, and tone of your words with what is your worth and value in the world.
The extroverted people, in many I find an air of competition, like they need to try so hard to earn love and affection, from who? themselves? Like its a war of words at my Irish Catholic extended family gatherings, it is so exhausting. I like venturing into that world somewhat frequently though: the verbal sparring, shooting, hard, fast and from the hip: having a thick skin where sarcastic barbs of wit are thrown around like punches in a boxing match. It is fun for me and reminds me I have to train and keep my skills up in this arena to navigate the social world. However it is not my most natural state where i feel completely free, loved and accepted for who I am. Why do we feel the need to do so much goddamn work in order to reward ourselves with love? WHY???
I think if I want to spend a day mostly alone, resting, being nourished by silence, reading, writing, this enriches me, until I will need to call a friend at night because too much alone time start to chill my bones, or like a virus, it starts to eat away at my flesh and make me feel decrepit, listless. Being alone leaves me eventually feeling devoid of meaning and spiraling into a hole of blackness where nothing I say or do matters and the din of existential dread becomes deafening in the low hum of the breeze over the distant hills.
It saddens me that most people like me are shamed throughout their life for not speaking up enough in large groups. Our parents tell us you need to develop a thicker skin, just get out there and be one of the boys. My parents marched in step with the cultural playbook of the day and the USA, that if you are not extroverted and vying for some type of prominent role within a group or vying for the power and leadership role than you must be unhealthy in some way. Given that we live in an culture that values, extraversion, boastfulness, self-promotion, most of psychological research bears a slant that implies that people that are more sensitive and derive vital energy from quiet time and fewer, yet deeper social relationships, are defective in some way.
The frustrating part is that the “productive extroverts” as I would call them…. the manager at the office who makes a good salary and closes all the big accounts and who is very popular and goes out 4 or 5 nights a week to social gatherings. Someone like this, (these types make up the majority of who I have known in family and friend circles) might never understand what a sensitive and empathic person can offer because they only want to exist on the playing field of spoken language, words, symbols, awards, badges, medals, showy things. Extroverts are great. They are fun and adventurous and crazy, and my life would be significantly worse, my life would be horribly lacking, if I did not have extroverted and loud, spontaneous souls in my immediate friends and family.
These people force me to get out of my head and make fun of my silly, obsessive, introspection, because PETER THE UNIVERSE DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU. (You’re right, because I am the entire universe :), but so are you, to have a tiny speck is to have all of the God consciousness, kidding) I have a lot to learn from people who have the ability to be funny, gracious, loving, warm and possess a dexterous handle of the human emotion and sociability. Many extroverts I can have a great time with in a night out and even hanging out one on one, however after a certain time we hit a roadblock because there is a disconnect and I no longer am fully up the heavily taxing task of talking, carousing, shouting loudly over loud music at a bar. Also, even hanging out one-on-one with an extrovert in a quiet setting, because maybe they are too anxious and can’t handle a minute or two of embracing silence comfortably with a person, it becomes a chore, to nourish the other person’s insecurity by filling silence with surface level and meaningless words.
I wonder why they feel the need to work so hard at talking and expending so much energy and why silence is so scary to them? How many of them aren’t really extroverts, they just have bought into the U.S. cultural myth that says that being outgoing and gregarious=happiness and greatness. To me it just seems like so much effort, so much wasted energy, trying to amass friends that you can’t delve deeply with, for what? If your my friend, I’m going to ask you where you think the universe originated and how you seek union with the divine, escalating down from that, the other shit I don’t care as much about. I want to hear your feelings, what internal storms are raging in you at the moment, I want to carry each other through it. I want to learn about the darkness you have experienced in your worst moments of life and how they made you into the fighter that you are, because we all got darkness and it’s as equally beautiful as the light because it brought you here. Let’s remind each other of our love, our power, our beautiful traits and go boldly into this video game called life where the prize is always and can only be love, every where you look and turn. What lights a fire in your heart? I know it’s not sitting at a desk 10 hours a days in front of a computer. C’mon you might fool yourself with that bullshit but you can’t fool me.
Why, so you can have a party to go to every single weekend, to have a larger guest list at your wedding? What is the utility of having a million friends when you can’t connect at the heart level with any one of them? To me, it is like eating a lot of junk food but nothing that nourishes you in the deepest parts of your soul. I’ll take one soul level connection over 20 surface level friends. I need to have patience, mercy for these people. They have a different makeup than I do, and it doesn’t make me better or worse than them. Most people that I am close to will never come close to agreement with me on any issues, they won’t see any merit in what my life pursuit is, but that’s ok, because I believe when you know what your truest life passion, purpose and reason for being on this earth, you will know it in the deepest part of your heart and soul, and feel it in every cell in your body. When you are on your truest path, there will be a transcendence that occurs, and when on the highest path or purpose, an ego dissolution of sorts will occur and you will get intuitively that the only thing that ever mattered or was worth striving for, is love. But the chink in the armor for every facet of this society we live in; this meat grinder of ideology, is that you are love and have only ever been composed, of love. It is just that our world indulges every distraction and we can’t sit still for 30 minutes or more in a given day, away from a technological device that wants to rape your eyeballs and ultra-stimulate you and get you to buy its product. Every time you watch TV, you are becoming more addicted to the drug that is TV. If you don’t believe it is a drug, try to give it up completely, TV, viral videos, all media videos for a week, a month. It is difficult, especially when wherever you go, you will encounter addicts who are likely to tell you, it’s not so bad man, just take a little hit, everyone’s doing it, this show called Breaking Bad, it’s the shit, its gonna make you feel sooo good, you’ll forget about all your pain and problems for the 50 or so hours you spend binging it. These people, I am and was one of them, who keep our attention, adoration, on the fake, fantasy land of the 2D screen that only leaves us craving more more more.
I envy the extroverts in many ways. They have gifts that I don’t have and I can continue to learn to get more fluent in the dance of relation and bringing people together through spoken word. I have grown in this sense, and I don’t even consider myself a complete introvert. I am on the spectrum, of enjoying and needing affection, bonding; yet also prizing a precious few hours a day to recharge and nourish a part of myself that the noise, carousing and group activities can’t reach. The inner mystery is always beckoning to me in quiet moments. I think that there is such a great loss in assuming that we only experience meaning and exchange heartfelt emotion through what can be touched, felt, heard, smelled, tasted, in the material world. It is selling ourselves short to think that the world of material and flesh will bring any kind of lasting kind of satisfaction and inner peace.
However, where my greatest gift lies, I believe, is in communicating through, energy, through spirit, through sensing what a person’s intention’s are before they even verbalize it and what kind of pain they are experiencing, and how might I be able to address it, or in many cases, leave it alone. But it can be hard when I have this sub-perceptual energetic receptivity, which I believe I have had my whole life, yet I don’t always want to deal with the energies that others are carrying. Its like having a radio playing static while the person is speaking to me, I can hear what the damaged or somewhat bad-intentioned, or dark energy carrying person is saying, but it makes it more draining when the static interrupting me and intruding it’s way into my energetic field. The signal that is coming off your soul antenna, your subtle movements, facial expressions are speaking a lot louder than anything your words could say.
I experience emotions at a deep level, and when in a loud, clamor of large groups and a metropolitan area such as New York City it can be extremely overwhelming, causing me to retreat and withdraw. I have bent and molded like a molten medal being formed and permanently shaped by the overpowering forces of societal structures. I have become guarded, warped, in some way about expressing my truth and what’s in my heart. This shame and burnout has compounded and become masochistic, like a prison of self-abuse. My siblings, and parents are somewhat blind to what it means to be an extremely sensitive person, when I am around them I have always felt it was some kind of competition to who can project the aura of social dexterity and humor. Who can master the Shakespeare production and be the best actor and emoter? I mostly just opt out of the competition. Maybe this family example can be extrapolated out to my view of the world, as a microcosm of the fakery: fake smiles, fake laughing, mock joy and polite facial expressions……..fake life, when I saw how each person in my family suffers deeply yet for the good of saving face, we learned to suppress, it is so easy to see how so so many people do this. For what?
I think I start to shut down immediately when I see a person is projecting an image that is false to what their internal makeup is, in service of some higher status ideal or culturally sanctioned symbol of conquering, that is mostly out of a desire to conform. Just be you’re depressed self, be miserable and brooding, let the emotions come out, I think this year has been about waking up the impermanence of our physical form, we’re all “trainee corpses” as Russell Brand says. It is hard fighting against what seems like an army of militant positivity, like if you don’t plaster on a smile and exchange a hearty upbeat greeting than people start to twitch and panic for fear that the social ritual and dance is not being followed down to the perfect correct step in the choreography. Will the powers that be have you exterminated, or abducted, never to be seen again, if you express sadness, humanity, unhappiness in some way? It’s like we are living in the Truman show hahaha, who I am kidding, of course we live in the Truman Show!!!
“Hey Pete, the snow is brutal today! How are you?” My coworker Kristin asks.
Peter ( who was raised on another planet and has been back on earth for 3 months) and implanted back into the USA at this very moment:
-“Well, basically extremely depressed and feeling worthless because this girl ghosted me after going on four dates with no indication that she didn’t like me. Guess there were some better products (men) on amazon that she shifted to.”
-“Sick of pretending to be happy all the time, when we all suffer, you know? Suffering can be a uniting force and commonality in all of us. Why do we lie and fake happiness just so others will feel more comfortable?.”
-“This morning I feel more dead inside than usual, given that I made a fool of myself in a blackout last night and almost had my head crushed by a car’s tires after I fell in the street. Whew! Lucky I’m alive today I guess!”
-“becoming worn down and tired of being a corporate slave where I can only express certain emotions and most people just gossip about others, because their lives are so sanitized and monotonous that they need the illusion of importance through constructed dramas, because they sit behind a computer screen ten hours a day.”
-“Tired of pretending to like my dickhead boss, who gets off on exercising his privilege and power in the office because he’s in a sham marriage and fucks anyone he wants as long as his wife has full credit card access.”
(mortified look of disgust) from Kristin.
“I thought you wanted to know how I was….” Extraterrestrial Peter says.
“Yeah, well, we don’t talk about that kind of stuff during a formal greeting.”
“Then why did you ask how I was, if you didn’t actually want to know?” ET Peter says
“Well, mostly because in this society we like to fill silence with inane and meaningless words because silence or exchanges with emotional depth would force us to examine how vain and empty our lives have become as corporate slaves who are members of the Sameness cult….. Ok? Great. Have a nice day Peter! So good to see you!” Kristen says.
This year, has reminded to trust my gut, that’s what Ayahuasca, mushrooms, meditation teach, it has told me that I am worthy of love, capable of being a loving and contributing member of society. It has told me that my inner voice, the intuition, desires, passions, I have had throughout my life, that have been blunted down, and continually drowned out by the messages of society, parents, extended family, is worth fighting for. I have a growing suspicion that I always should have trusted the intuition and inner voice, it always had my best interests and deepest truths in mind, back to when i was 4 years old. That’s my soul speaking to me, I just haven’t been listening.
This year, was steroids for spiritual development in many ways for me, I think I expedited something that is foolish and reckless to try and expedite, and extremely overwhelming at times. It pushed me to the brink of sanity, tested my will, my entire conception of time, space, the universe, was simply obliterated into an infinite void, absent of form, like tables, chairs, building, complex architecture, the entire earth, dissolving into sand.
Societally programmed structures and operating systems in my brain, of achievement, meaning, worth, ideals, conceptions of self, ego, went poof in a matter of hours, in Ayahuasca ceremonies. There is not only no “objective reality” but there is no reality, in my opinion. Based on my experience as an explorer of the psychic worlds of the inner and outer, I think imagination and intention, the sheer power of human will, self-love and belief in our own soul’s POWER, basically pummels any conception of “consensus reality”. Your brain, soul, consciousness hold the power to construct worlds, revive, heal, alter the fabric of space and time with this peculiar chemical element called love. Ha! Imagine that, we’ve all just been asleep, time to wake up to your Godhood!
I would argue that the knowledge we have accumulated in the Western world regarding the brain, reality and the power of this hyper-intelligent human consciousness, is still archaic, we are still in the Dark Ages as far as I am concerned, in terms of the spirit entities residing in different dimensions and realms of time and space, that make the material world it’s bitch every second of every day.
The Ayahuasca retreat 8 months ago and the Mushroom retreat, 3 months ago, to fit these both into the same 6 month period, is ambitious and pushing the envelope, especially for a person that has as much emotional pain and is as sensitive as I am. I do not recommend doing two of these retreats in one year, it is not all sunny rainbows and in the last 2 months, many heavy emotions of depression, anger, sadness, fear of abandonment have come up to the surface. But each time I feel it I try to let it come to the surface and have its fullest expression with non-judgment.
I am glad they have and I have been able to feel and release some of it when I sit quietly and try to get centered in my body, cry, reflect, absorb. The retreat and the ceremonies only open the valve, they prime the pump for free flow of love in and out of the heart. It was restoring me to factory settings, as my mentor said. However, that valve, that pathway is also cleared for more difficult things that have been locked up in my heart to come out. Now time for discipline in meditation and breathwork to integrate and sift through the massive information download that occurred in Ayahuasca and Mushrooms. Also, the meditation practice after profound and intense plant medicine work, is like learning how to drive a new, complex, luxurious, manually controlled car that I have never previously operated, more like a spaceship, hahaha.
As I sit here, 8 months after beginning this journey, it feels as if I have lived a lifetime since the beginning, yet, also it feels like the very beginning. There is so much more, a whole vast universe of love, beauty, magic in me and in the people around me that needs to be sifted through and calibrated to my sensory awareness. It is extremely overwhelming and not always in a good way. Had I never went down this road, I would have it easier day to day, staying asleep to all of this pain and trauma that has been hiding out of sight in the basement of my subconscious. There was a ton of pain and scars to heal and there continues to be but there was also a huge amount of love hiding down there.
It’s like, “hey Pete, you’ve had this massive treasure trove of love hanging around in your heart, it keeps banging on the cell walls, what are we going to do with it?”
“Shit I guess that means I should start hugging people and telling them I love them and reminding them of the love thats locked up in their heart. I can’t leave it locked up down there.” Is it weird that I want to smile and laugh with complete strangers, and tell them how great they are?
Operating system of Peter’s brain (administrative office): No, Peter, stand down, you will need to comply with the F8 code of “shy, introvert, introspective, polite” role that you were granted at birth.
I’m good on that today, operating system, today I take one step outside of that, and the next day I take two.
It still brings me to tears frequently. When you think about it, laughing and crying are equally beautiful, because it is just pure expression, the emotions in your heart that just want to and NEED to come out to be free of them. Knowing that all that I experienced: sadness, pain, the rejection, the self-hatred, the isolation in my life, meant that I was vibrantly alive and I was in the fight, they all brought me here.
I still experience all of these emotions daily but I try hard to not identify with them as if they define me. They are teachers, they are messengers bearing gifts and knowledge. How would I know how deeply I could feel love in my heart, had I not experienced the depths of pain and meaninglessness? My capacity to feel pain in my heart and the deepest darkest hopelessness is exactly what gives me the ability to see the darkness in others and help pull them out of it. I can’t ever forget that.
It also seems that I have had my eyes open to the concept of the eternal now. The idea that our conception of time is just completely inaccurate in terms of cosmic time. That this moment, is eternity, and it always has been, and we’re missing it by looking to the “future me” for any kind of happiness. It’s such a silly thing, how we put conditions on our happiness, one can only be happy when they are a famous actor or a wall street trader, or a famous comedian, or hit a certain amount of money working 12 hour days, then he can call himself the king of the finance castle. What lonely and sad lives these people must, lead, not in every case, but the ultra-successful in some ways are the biggest masochists, when they are only doing something just to prove their worth, climbing the ladder endlessly because they think there will be some kind of contentment at the top.
There have been moments this year, whether screaming at a family member or sibling, in the midst of experiencing an excavation of some repressed emotion where I have felt so alone, so helpless, like there was no one knew what I was going through or could give me any type of guidance. I felt the only guidance that could help me would be an eastern healer, a tribal elder or a shaman, or an ayahuasquero. There was a time, two months after returning from Peru, after I had a vicious fight with my family, I was feeling especially detached and lonely and hopeless. I drove home and sulked, feeling meaningless, useless, incapable of authentic vulnerability and relationships, to an empty house.
When I laid in bed and turned the lights out, within ten minutes, there was an unmistakable presence in the room with me at home. I was scared, was I feeling an intuition about a robber or intruder being in the house? I couldn’t distinguish, I just felt nervous and scared. I felt the tips of my toes, tingling, then up into my pelvic region, my chest and heart chakra and a forceful sweeping sensation of energy going through my crown chakra on my head. I felt a sort of timeless union, rush through me in a flash of a quarter second, like a diet mystical experience, as if I got a tiny tiny taste of the divine realm in a microscopic drop that the spirit gave me, and it all happened in probably less than a second. There seemed to be a residual energetic cleansing of some kind working on me, out to my extremities. Suddenly, tears began to well up in my eyes. Was it just that I was alone in the house for the first time in a long time that this was even allowed to happen because the other people living normally in the house have dark energy and are healing and spirit averse? This isn’t something I usually like to tell people, for fear of being labeled a tale-teller, or a liar, or just sort of loopy and crazy, but today, what the hell. The materialist doubters are always going to be there. It’s easy to be the doubter who just puts people down that have a desire to connect with the divine and spirit, it’s also boring, I feel bad for the people that never feel driven to connect with a deep part of their soul and connect with God, or the unified consciousness.
It’s a small existence, thinking that material, physical sensation, perception contains everything in the world. I don’t mean for it to sound condescending, because I was that person, having no desire to explore the spirit and God and the forces that are at work, are benevolent that will meet our request when a person is line with a pure intention and loving deeply. I just want to share it, and I want people to experience the access to healing and love that I have been able to access.
I am a person that many people close to me have told me that I have “resting bitch face.” That I am too serious, too analytical, too moody, too stiff, awkward, aloof, awkward, boring, emotionless, I have experienced the depths of hell in isolation, worthlessness, depression, the belief that I was unworthy of real friendships and real love.
I now have hope. I not only have hope but a fire has been ignited in me, and it all started with plant medicine. My message is that if I can heal, and begin to have hope and use tools for positive development, then you can too. Shy people, the timid, the introverted, the guarded, the defensive, the people who don’t feel safe to show their true glowing essence to the world, these are my people. These are the people close to my heart. I just want to tell them that you’re ok, and you always have been, you don’t need to say or do anything to prove your worth to me. Let’s sit quietly watching the fire, having a drink, you can talk whenever you feel like it, there’s no rush. I want you to feel safe with me. You’re beautiful, because God put you here for a reason.
I am slowly waking up to the fact that when I reach out to these people, however small a gesture, it nourishes my heart. It’s close to my heart, because I am one of these sensitive people. I just want those people to know that they have internal beauty, bright colors, beautiful song in their heart and even if they can’t see it and they don’t show it, I can see it. I know it is in there and its going to come out when you’re ready and people are going to see that internal truth of yours. I wish I had someone like that, who knew what it meant to be a sensitive soul who feels things deeply and has no desire to compete so hard in the world of symbols and deception.
No, its not just being “deep.” or “philosophical” its being an Olympic powerlifter in heart capacity and these people are usually weighed down by the monumental level of pain and sadness in this world. It can be hard out there, it feels like a cold and angry world these days, the accumulated years of service to the corporate profit machine and increasing levels of isolation. Lower rates of marriage and romantic relationship, the growing divide that technology and smart phones has put up a barrier between me and all the people out in New York City and Long Island.
What actually gets me to the page here on this blog? Usually pain, a need to express my pain in some type of intellectual way, and sometimes I try so hard that I just look back on it and think, damn, you’re just trying so desperately to look superior in some way. Or if I present this unreliable narrator scenario. JUST took a break, now I am in the flow, just spent the last 30 minute writing an angry email to someone that I never sent, ok now I am in the flow. This is my process, this is my internal process of healing, it can be messy frequently. My fingers and hands are moving with less inhibition. The trip from thought in head, to word on computer screen is much shorter now. I’m less inhibited, anger begets, anger, it is hard to speak truth and what is true in your heart that is not in line with the cultural norms of the day.
Imposter syndrome I think is a popular term. I try so hard to get down to the real truth that I want to express, but I swing from elation to dread, worrying about if I simply devolved into being a caricature of myself. Anger and preachiness. Is that what I have become? I have so much that needs to come out and that I need to express. I wonder if this is the right medium for it.
Showing other people my writing is extremely draining and tied up in my own vanity in wanting it to be approved. I guess .
For all the political theories, ideas, examination of societal structures I write about on here, the consistent resonant theme is that of a child who just wants to love and be loved. That is what I desire and have always desired. I have a need to share my love, but I haven’t found the most effective outlet for sharing the overflowing abundance of love I feel in my heart. My personality structure doesn’t fit with being a person who wants to hug compliment, reach out to many many people in a daily basis but I can take small steps to do this each day. I feel overexposed frequently on here, what if one writes about things that most people don’t feel comfortable speaking about in polite company? I just had the thought today, that my attitude about writing is that if I’m not putting what’s in my heart, onto than page, what am I doing it for? What the fuck is the point if you don’t express emotions and burning passion? I could probably pretend to be many things on this blog, some spiritual guru who is perfect and I frequently resent that I am always presenting such a rosy and sparkling picture. I have forgotten that of equal value and importance is my shadow side, and incorporating and greeting the darkness that resides in me. To go away from the duality that things are good and bad, no they just are, they need to be accepted and invited up to the table in my conscious mind. The scared child can’t stay locked up in the basement of my subconscious.
If you are introverted, sensitive, never let a person tell you what you are, too sensitive, too quiet, too shy. Let the robots be obedient robots and compete for who is the loudest. You are creative, you love deeply, you experience beauty and have access to deeper and more vast levels of consciousness, you carry the pain of others. NEVER let a person tell you what you are. Valuing quiet time, solitude, these are my people, my tribe, to be alone and learn to be a friend and to love yourself is the greatest challenge in this life. I like spending time with myself and learning what the quiet of nature, the breeze, the rain, the snow in the mountains, have to teach me. I am able to plug into my charging port for my soul there. Frankly, I find most people to be walking paper cutouts following advertising and eagerly trying harder to be part of the herd. I have always considered myself “not a joiner”, yes I was timid and scared and guarded but maybe I was onto something with this intuition that the so-called “Wisdom of the crowd” has nothing to offer me, it is too dominated by peer pressure, groupthink and the collective ego swelling of a group who simply want to unite against some real or imagined villain. Identifying only with your role in the herd is ceding your truth to be part of the collective navel-gazing. Sacrificing your integrity and the truth that resides in your soul to have the comfortable and warm love of the herd.
Life is change and when I don’t change in a single day then I am dying, slowly. Stagnation is death.