“the free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it – basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.”
― Charles Bukowski, Tales of Ordinary Madness
I have become aware, gradually, slowly, how imprisoned I have been to roles, politeness, people’s fear, people’s pettiness, jealousy, expectations. It is really a fear of outshining others I think. I have this false modesty where I have always needed to be deferent and humble and blah blah, but its like the old quote, we aren’t most afraid of our darkness, but of releasing the full power and potential of our light. The media teaches us to be modest and not love yourself openly yet we live in the most (falsely modest) yet narcissistic society in the world haha. Because the idea of greatness, achieving your highest goals is probably not easy to deal with, in the sense that others can be petty and jealous of your success. It would probably not be easy being a high achieving person because others who covet your life, want to knock you down a peg. Did pachamama, (the earth mother spirit) intend all along for that to mean preservation of my sexual energy and that would begin a cascading effect of abundance coming in other areas of my life? Food for thought, right? You’re crazy Peter. The preservation of energy/discipline is spilling over to other areas of my life.
I think I have divine feminine spirit in me that I have been neglecting, I think it wants to work through me more. I try to suppress it and keep up the masculine toughness. The sensitive and tender is begging to come out though, it has been wanting to my whole life. I think I am learning ever so slowly, that vulnerability is power, if you can put yourself out there and make others feel safe to do the same, in a world that constantly discourages this, then you are making the world a better place. When your heart is broken, when you are hurt, devastated, hopeless, lonely, it only expands and widens your heart capacity for the future.
I have always felt that I expose too much of myself too quickly when meeting new people. I have felt clumsy, oaf-ish, awkward, like I never got the memo about proper etiquette and social norms, about appearing to be all smart, put together, bulletproof. We loves masks and roles don’t we? We are a nation of used car salesmen. It’s like one big stage production isn’t it, this America? Pounded into us since the age of 2. Many have thought me to be an over thinker, an over-sharer, too mushy gushy about feelings. “You think too much Peter!” Oh man, if I could only shut my mouth and suffer the fools gladly, things would go more smoothly? All I have to say to this is….. who do you think you are fooling, world, (every person I have ever encountered)? I know your broken and desire a connection with source, deep in your soul but you have bought into this collective delusion as a way to protect yourself from having a relationship with yourself and your essence. Because confronting the deepest parts of self and one’s shadow side is not easy work. Good, if it helps you to think yourself superior to me, then go ahead, I hope it helps you cope. I know it’s foolish to take your judgment personally.
I realize how constrained most people are about expressing parts of them that aren’t in lock step with the gender norms of the day. I am learning how to compliment woman more, in a non-sexual way. I want to compliment people and express things I like because I have been holding in my love my whole life. It is hard stemming a seeming ocean of affection, passion, fire, that wants to come out of me some days in this year of spiritual heart surgeries and purging of toxicity. I realize if I were gay, then, I might feel less ambivalence and self-consciousness about my compliments and I could tell women how beautiful they are, inside and out. Don’t we live in such a cold, suspicious, objectified, and over-sexualized society, this sick, diseased, dehumanized American culture. The fact that I have just put a condition on what I am able to express based on the stereotype of a sexual orientation shows that I have just confined and enslaved my expression to a societal norm.
Was it just me who was suspicious of myself because I used to objectify women? I kind of wish I could be flamboyantly gay for a day and see how differently my compliments and intimate emotional talk would be received. Roles and ego are synthetic, it’s playing dress up. I think if I ingratiate myself as a friend with a girl, then they are still receptive. But how sad that women have to have their guard up against horny men all day every day. It is practical for them to do this, but I wish we (I) weren’t such sex-hungry pigs programmed by over-sexualized advertising and porn. I don’t want this suspicion and limits on what I can communicate with women about, we’re both just human creatures.
Did you ever want to be “normal”? When you really think about it….. is there anything worse, more boring, and sad than being “normal.” So why have I tried and strived so hard for it over my whole life? When I stop trying to run uphill to get to the “normal” summit and just relax into my weirdness, I feel peace. I know life is much harder when you suppress your truth and fake it. We are all weirdo’s, not just in some ways, but in many ways, why don’t we embrace this fact? Once I say something out loud or write it, it loses it’s power over me, all of these imaginary conditions and imaginary scenarios of humiliation I anticipate in my mind, never, ever, happen. It’s just me in the dark dusty cellar, in my mind, I am the judge, jury and executioner, I am watching my mind try on 50 different outfits and shaming myself, yet the idea or action or energy never actually sees the light of day, it stays wallowing in the dark cellar! Let your inner child out of the cage, give me your worst and I’ll tell you it can’t make me think any less of you. Tell me your most embarrassing urge, secret, feeling, temptation, and I’ll tell you I’ve thought that 100 times we are both just too afraid to verbalize it and let the volatile, spark of anticipated humiliation be defused, disarmed and stripped of its destructive power.
I cried during a one hour sit today, reflecting back on a friendship of mine from high school. The silent breath and affirmations I say out loud intermittently, help to coax the spiritual and heart muscles, also some Om’s and projecting of the bass of my voice. Intention can start to mold and shape reality in my opinion. But I need to say the words out loud, it can’t be some empty weak, formless, vague, thought. Make these intentions real and tangible. I need to say them purposefully, out loud, write them out multiple times.
May I know a deep and natural inner peace. What I wish for myself, I wish for all living beings, healing. I am open, ready and willing to be healed. Please show me your will and give me the power to carry it out. In what role and position will my soul find its highest utility? I wait patiently and attentively, I am on the look out for signs.
The higher power or higher order of the universe is working for me at all times I just haven’t had my eyes open to start seeing the things being placed in my path, the synchronicities. How have I expressed my love, joy, sadness, anger that needs to come out today? I could sing, I could dance. I will find my tribe, this isn’t any doubt for me any more, the small, gradual, yet tectonic plate shift in my soul has inched me closer to my spiritual brothers and sisters who seek nothing less than unlocking their heart, prying it open and finding the answers and wisdom about our souls, in turn leading to bliss and harmony on earth. I have found speaking out loud during meditation very beneficial. Speaking to myself, as if I was speaking to a friend, comforting myself, forgiving myself, forgiving my relentless shame mechanism. My shame mechanism is Floyd Mayweather in the ring, it is Usain Bolt in the 100 meters, it is a relentless, vicious machine, trained to be a fierce killing machine. I lost command over it somewhere along the way. It still frequently overpowers me and cripples me emotionally but I am determined in my continual forgiveness of it every day.
(out loud) Well trained shame mechanism, that works unconsciously, physiologically, I am a conditioned, trained animal, when it comes to shame, I forgive you, I love you. –Person from class- I forgive you, I love you, -person I screamed at yesterday- I forgive you, I love you, – child Peter- I forgive you, I love you.
I was given advice that I am a person who absorbs energy through sound and that, chanting and using vocal energy could help me get in the habit of projecting my energy outward, to counteract my sensitivity and the fact that I take in many other’s junk and noise as false evidence of my own inadequacies. Mostly it is insecure people that want to spew their garbage and chaos on me, (or anyone standing nearby them.)
I sometimes think that there is a Peter has lived an adventurous, action-packed life, with many loves had and lost, many friendships treasured, special moments, savored through tears, over candlelight, next to a fire, many past lifetimes mulled over in a sunset, a grasping at this day, this night on the trail. I’ve lived so many nights in my mind in the wild, sitting with my best friend, seeing eternity in the fire and soaking in lessons over deep mushroom trips where I find the answers to my burning soul questions. My soul craves sweet freedom, some days I can taste it on my lips. The yearning to be free, pure expression of joy and fire, no roles, no definitions, no oppressive institutions. The love is starting to rise in me until it won’t be possible to hold it in anymore. Where is this leading? Awakening, to our love, to our power, to the responsibility we have to every other fellow human to fight for a better earth. That starts with healing myself, not preaching to others to heal. I needed so desperately to learn this lesson.
Change is coming. The revolution of consciousness is beginning. I feel it in my bones, dare I say the energy of the earth, the collective consciousness is being shaken up for a reason. Sit and meditate today and see if you feel it. Every day I sit and meditate I feel different energies, different emotions, different heart reactions, different combinations to unique locks in my psyche and in the unified consciousness. The fabric of time and space is wildly different than it was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 3 years ago, it was a different universe. It was a different universe yesterday, each day you wake up the energy of the earth; the alive, vibrant, source energy expresses itself differently.
I have taken an interest in Astrology recently, previously blowing it off as a crock. When you think about it though, why wouldn’t the energies of the earth constantly be shifting when we are on an orb barreling through millions of miles a minute through a blank void called a “universe.” When this object reacts and moves in a rotational orbit that depends and interacts with the many other planets in our solar system.
The funding for MDMA therapy and legalization process for PTSD sufferers has tipped the scales and the momentum is becoming unstoppable, after that it won’t be long until psilocybin is next on the docket for rescheduling and legalization.
When you come around to the fact that every message you have been given through media, movies, advertising, advice from parents over a lifetime, was meant simply to make you an obedient, conformist who serves the existing power structures and doesn’t shake anything up, you realize……No, no one can tell me what to do or think, because most of the people in my family and immediate circles are infected with the programming of media and culture, also. The only advice you can really, truly, deeply, trust, in the silent intuition that’s whispering to you in the silent moments when you ask yourself, Am I living my truth? There are answers waiting in the silence.