“I’m not judgmental, it’s you judging yourself and projecting it onto me.” she says, then her eyebrows slowly rise, the hope seeping into her eyes disarm my defenses as a smile spreads across her face.
“I’m just a mirror.” She continues. “Come on.” She waves her hand and starts walking, I walk along with her. Some of my old elementary school classmates are there, there is snow on the ground, I want to say hi to them, but I don’t. They don’t recognize me, I feel heart pangs of nostalgia for my old friends and the purity of my childhood. We walk out to a cliff, the waves are crashing on the rocks, hundreds of feet below, the sun is going down.
“It is such a taxing thing, going through life feeling afraid of what people think of me and always assuming the worst. I want to have people that love me for who I truly am. I just want to be able to love myself for who I truly am.” I say to Eva.
“It’s just you, you need to realize how distorted your vision has been, and then you’re free, when you can note the distractions, you are on your way to being free of them.” She says, and then looks out at the sunset.
God may I only see truth and let the illusions of material fall away. Help me see the love that is all and everything. Heal my distorted, inadequate vision. Let the words flow from you, source, your love is boundless and infinite and could never be exhausted, help me draw from that well of source energy today. I can’t do it alone.
Dreams are such good teachers, is it the source speaking to me and trying to teach me? Is it that simple? Is every perception I have of another person, simply a negative trait of mine being reflected off of them? It is as if when I look at another person, there is a glare, a shadow of some sort that is being projected onto them and I judge and perceive them merely as a reflection of my own fears, sadness and flaws?
I woke up feeling dead inside today, the God sized hole has appeared again. I wake up many days feeling like this. I have a compartmentalization technique where I can store it away neatly, that old feeling that could drive me to drink to excess, that craving and itching for oblivion, the urge to blot of out every last inch of real emotion and replace it with an apathetic non-feeling, a checking out of life.
I could fantasize about seeing people mourn at my funeral, thousands of times over. I have done this and still do. What does that make me? Depressed? Pitiable? Lonely and in need of help? It makes me self-centered, self-obsessed. The good news is there is so many more out there like me, drug addicts, and alcoholics. I don’t like this limiting label, I always think of it as a cop out, the “addict” label- as if we are powerless to it. I haven’t had a drink in two and a half years and now I just live with this malady of the mind, or is this overly medicalized, “brain imbalance” disease model just a fancy rationalization for forgetting how to love oneself? Is it simply being asleep to your divine nature, which is oneness with everything, and perfection?
I sat today for an hour, in silence, breathing out for a span 4 seconds, holding breath for 4 seconds, breathing out slowly for 4 seconds, holding my breath for 4 seconds, repeating this for a stints of a few minutes at a time, it helps to center me and lock me into the present moment. The first 20 or 30 minutes, I acknowledge thoughts…” thinking, thinking, stressing, trying to brainstorm writing ideas.” I say out loud, to note my monkey mind, and try to reel it back in to breath. I thought of a distant relative, who is in the late stages of cancer who I will be seeing in a few days. We only see each other very few years but this person is a model of love and kindness to me. I said out loud “Please send love, send healing energy to Patty, let her know she’s not alone, she could never be alone, on this side or the other.” And the tears came then, reflecting on our talks on the beach on my vacations as a kid.
I feel selfish in this way, some people, I simply get a spiritual recharge from being around because they are such genuine loving souls. Words are secondary to the love and pure intention you can feel emanating from her. The fakeness of so many people these days in American society, the masks, and the toxic influence of consumerism seeping into every last corner of life here, angers me. Reminds me that I need to embody this spirit. I have to do it for people like Patty, to honor their legacy, carry forward the truth and unconditional love. And all those in my predicament: depressed, addicted to drugs, isolated, or people that committed suicide from feelings of worthlessness, I have to remember that I am all of them. I have been lucky enough to find the healing and tools to carry on and dig myself out of the hole.
I sometimes think, would my day to day happiness be so different if I was getting drunk every weekend, towing the line, skating by, doing some embarrassing things here and there, marching my way through life recovering from hangovers and descending back into my self-medicating? The tumor of shame and self-hatred would grow until it began to impede on my heart’s ability to pump blood. The bottled up shame and emotions would become life threatening if left unchecked.
The power of repressed shame can become like a fatal heart attack waiting to happen. All physical and mental maladies are rooted in spirit and are psychosomatic in my opinion. I don’t have any material or title that I didn’t have when I still drank, I’m not rich or famous, but I have something that you can’t see or touch: self-respect, and being a hell of a lot farther along on the path to self-love. Some days it is hard to reach out to any person and my self-pity will suck me in and I will be convinced of the need to stay silent and soldier on alone. To have more fantasies about people wanting me, needing me, loving me, when I haven’t taken any action. I want people to mourn at my funeral, for what? For being lazy and only complaining and pining over my problems all the time?
I’ll just be another dead dude, though right, years will pass, ten years will have gone by, maybe a person remember a conversation we had. Fatalist, morbid, dark sense of humor, intense, introspective, aggressive: these are words that all could be used to accurately describe me. Death is fascinating to me, and I never want to stop thinking about it, I’ll probably have a much more fulfilling life, the more I keep it at the forefront of my mind, barring the narcissistic funeral visions. The fleeting nature of my life, the people I love now and interact with, will all be gone soon. Ten years since high school, now, it just flew in a flash.
But when random, specific memories pop into my head from 12 years ago, from 8 years ago, from 5 years ago I am reminded of how arbitrary and non-linear time is. It is as if I get small glimpses of the higher dimensions of 4D and 5D, beyond these material incarnations and I see that at our truest essence is that we are all timeless beings. My growing intuition is that everything that has ever happened and ever will happen is all happening right now.
I believe that in some way that this incarnation and realm of the flesh and material has taken our true essence (pure, love, light, infinite and eternal beings which is unknowable, ineffable and incomprehensible), and slurped it through this narrow, tiny straw that is the 3D incarnation of earth/material/flesh, body realm. In the process of doing this, inherent in this process is that we will only see a tiny tiny portion of what our true essence. This life is a video game and this body is a spaceship that I control. I am IN this world, but I am not OF this world. We’re stardust, we came from the stars and the angelic realms, we are angels. What a blessing right, after all these years, I have finally broken free of the oppressive, narrow-minded ideology of Christianity enough that I can actually formulate my own truth, my continually changing conception of this world and my place in it. Sweet freedom from the suffocating influence church and group-think and ignorance of the HERD, via family, school, friends.
I respect your beliefs, I do, but I might ask, how did you come about those beliefs? Did you simply internalize what was taught to you in school or church? Did you take the author’s words for it? Or did you go dive in and make an effort to learn about the true nature of things for yourself? Did you just stay on the shore, where you are dry, you are safe, but also…maybe you wonder… how will I ever know things for real? I have always wanted to reach out and touch God, and feel a sense of God in my heart. This kid is saying that there is no doubt you will experience God, in one way or another by eating a bunch of mushrooms. But the television told me it’s illegal and bad. Best to fall in line with the herd. It’s safe with the herd, I’m secure, warm, away from where the ridicule for being unique can get me.
We have just been forced to incarnate in these flesh vehicles that confine us to time and space. But we chose to come here, the task of this life is awakening to the truth of essence and the reason a higher spirit incarnation of ourselves sent us down here. Time and space can be fun for a while, say like 80 or 90 years of life, but I would imagine that we get sick of it, and just want to go back into the realm of our home, to be reunited with source? Do I want to live forever like these A.I. Tech people? Fuck no. Surrender and realize you are a drop in the ocean, but who says an actual drop of water in the ocean with the millions of microbes in it, isn’t experiencing orgasmic infinity all the time? Because the drop in the ocean never tries to something its not, it knows its role in the earth consciousness. The fish isn’t trying to run a marathon and then devastated when it can’t breath on dry land.
Where we are free to be pure divine infinite love all the time? I think perfection and bliss can get boring though, that is why you and I chose to incarnate in this dimension. I still can’t get past the unsettling idea that I could reincarnate as an insect or something, wouldn’t that suck? If on the hierarchy of where your soul goes, it could just be one big expanse with alllll the possibilities…..dog, insect, bear, wolf, ant, rabbit, tree, flower, plant. Because then I wouldn’t be so special after all, it would just be me as another small slice of the dance of creation and sentience. But if I was an insect, I wouldn’t have any clue about these giants called humans. Insects might even have their own way of contacting the divine that we are clueless about, who knows! Octopi and dolphins have some of the most advanced and intricate forms of communicating on planet earth, with far more depth than us primates.
With animals though, in a way, even though they aren’t conscious of past and future the way we are, they can’t necessarily experience divine union and ecstasy through mushrooms or ayahuasca, but it seems like they never really complain, they just are, never a thought about what should be or could be, or better options. The lion, the insect, the bear, the fish, they fully embrace the present moment as one of God’s creations and maybe in that sense they are getting healthy doses of divine ecstasy every single day and every single minute. The ecstasy of fully loving your own body and embracing your part in the tapestry that is the cosmos. The animals don’t whine and complain about their roles in the dance they just go out there and dance their heart out and enjoy the hand God dealt them. Lion or cheetah: Hunting gazelles on the Savannah? I’m good to go, even it it means starvation for long periods and that I may well get picked off by a crocodile or hippopotamus. It’s all good. They embrace their role on earth and their connection to it. Us humans plunder, destroy, murder animals and the environment.
Thoughts and my re-creation of a memory are more like using my imagination that remembering any concrete event, the unreliability of memory /face recognition, details in countless eye witness testimonies in criminal cases, proves this. Thoughts are so meaningless and I know now how “small a metaphysical place depression and loneliness inhabit” as Tao Lin says. For so many years I didn’t have the guts to even step out of the self-imposed prison of loneliness, I was so wounded, warped, jaded, beaten down by the insults of others, but mostly I was beaten down by the insults of myself, I had been placed firmly out of the somewhat arbitrary dividing line, of “cool, confident kids” and I was lost, alone, adrift, self-doubting and eternally hopeless, alone, ungrounded and skeptical of any worthiness of love.
This is why I always stress how all my sadness, depression, anger, misery is still here for me, it is right on the shelf next to me here and I can pick it up any time I want. Similar to the way that memories and old habits we can pick them up any time we want, the old feelings are there too, however, I now have TOOLS at my disposal to access a wider casting of a net out of this small box of metaphysical reality that “depression” covers.
The God sized hole that could be filled with any number of animal/creature, comforts, porn, sex, an achievement, a drug, alcohol, an image or a verbal burn towards someone, or being fake tough under the influence and haze of alcohol. Why do I feel this collapsing feeling of existential dread, this soul decay that frequently bites at me. If I give it enough time and lull in inaction, then it can make headway and start to erode my connection to source, or conceal it.
This is the malady they speak of in the rooms of AA, this self-centeredness that will never stop looking inward. I am the biggest piece of shit…… at the center of the universe. I am worthless, but I am a God. I am on top of the world one moment and the next I can’t see beyond the bleak cloudy window where I am trapped in a small cell 5 X 5, nothing can reach me there, no emotions: no good, no bad, no hurt, just numbness, detachment, disillusionment, the outside world has become surreal, non-real, blocked out. The work I have been doing is showing me that when I tune into my own heart, I am shown that nothing outside my own soul and body will ever make me happy, it all comes from within. Remember my power.
A radical conception of a soul’s path:
-Beings in this realm (humans) are the all stars of the higher realms, we were the fearless warriors who thirsted in our souls for change, love, and betterment of the human condition and were granted the opportunity to come down to this steaming shit pile of human suffering called earth, to make it better.
-Each person (higher being/soul in a human body) on this earth was put here because we had the courage to go from blissful, perfect, light being status in the higher realms, to this imperfect, meat vehicle. What if the invisible beings, in the higher realms (your guides)…have the utmost respect for you for having the courage to come down into this realm to suffer in a body, get sick, and die?
What if they just want to help in any way they can because your guides see you as the true warrior and they just want to be along for the ride with you in this odd, human, video game, world? These guides still have access to some of the controls up in the mothership, that we can not at present at, access fully.
What if the light beings, (your guides, or really just another facet of what is your true soul and essence, still really… you) want to help you in any way to realize fully and harness the divinity and magic of the higher realms in this material realm?
And they realize and acknowledge that it is hard being incarnated into a universe where “time” and “space” exist and that as a human your perceptual capacity has been greatly diminished and your almost walking around blind compared to what being unified love, and timeless essence.
What if, before you incarnated, in this material realm, you made agreements (“soul contracts”) with every soul you would encounter in this material world, all the encounters, good or bad, would serve to awaken your soul to its truest divinity?
What if you chose, just for today, to see everything in this universe, as happening for you? And that your higher divine self put all of the puzzle pieces in place before you chose to incarnate down here? That you are god ( a God). And that your soul only ever yearned to be loved by you? Is that what all the external striving was about? What if once you got comfortable and felt at home in your body and loved your own soul, fiercely and unconditionally, then you would be able to access the purest kind of love that could then be sent out to others. It”s like learning the how to operate the spaceship and feed it its proper nourishment, only then can you be a metaphysical wizard and start raising the collective consciousness and healing people simply with intention and love, or even just raising their vibration by being in their presence!!!
We are all geniuses, telepaths, saints, ascended angels. Your intuition, your inner truth and light compass are your superpowers, and we all have them. We all have truth detectors installed in our souls from birth…….its just religion that wants to keep you asleep to that so you stay lowly, obedient and pay up….. its time to wake up to our potential.