It’s a beautiful thing getting to know yourself. It’s been a long slow, recovery. I kept Peter in a cell most of his life, sliding a bowl of porridge in through the slot, and a glass of water, keeping him in solitary confinement all day, every day, letting him out once a day for an hour, for lashings with a metal-studded whip. The last year has been like getting to know this Peter, a traumatized, battered, person who is so meek and broken and seemingly devoid of his soul.
So if I have some days where I get some delusions of grandeur, or other days where my rage gets the best of me, or I lose my temper with a person, so be it. Or days when I want to say a stranger on a park bench, “you’re such a beautiful soul and you don’t even know it.” It is like balancing out a new and upgraded strength and power and reconciling it with the old structure and scaffolding of personality. Some days the heart/spirit wants to roar and sing, but it has a hard time being confined by the structure of personality, so it has to sneak through weird openings and it sets things off balance and I have to learn how to calibrate. So when I can’t let the heart roar, when I can’t weep its tears and express and feel exchange my love with others, it will manifest as stress, anxiety, or restlessness.
Then days where I need to re-examine all my motives and actions and the planets are steering my microscope inward on motives and dissolving more layers of false identification with objects and ego-stroking. Days where I regret and cringe at every single word I ever wrote. Days where I wanna go back to my star home. Days I just love everyone so much and wish we were allowed to express our love to every person and every where, what is this silly restriction of intimate love to only sex? I wish there wasn’t so much structure and hierarchies in the world.
It’s a been a sweet relationship with my inner child who I haven’t seen in so many years. It has been hard calibrating some days. Like an absentee father returning after 25 years, never having met the kid as a baby or a child. So it’s been hard, because this inner child has a really hard time trusting the father Peter, who left him in a cage for so many years. A dualistic perspective: I am both of them, I am the captor, abuser, and I am the victim, the abused, we are healing together, learning to trust one another again, which has it’s roadblocks and hiccups where I fall back.
I believe we have enslaved or abused, or locked away our inner child, partially, or for a shorter span of time, but to live in this society we pretend so goddamn much that you are an “adult.” That’s code for boring, safe, secure and dead.
Today on the bike I was on a slightly downhill slope. I shut my eyes for about 3 or 4 seconds, deep breath in, giddy feeling in my stomach, this is how I would try to describe letting God take the wheel in my life. When you trust your heart, you know that wherever it leads you, into the gates of hell, spears in hand, riding in with the cavalry to conquer a city, you know the heart’s got you taken care of, no matter where you go and what you experience, what relationships dissolve in your life. The heart’s got me. Crying some tears today for no reason? I know you got me and I don’t need to question it, just need some heart/house cleaning, old trauma shedding. Because there is joy in sadness, and sadness in joy, the YIN YANG, each is a mixed cocktail and equally beautiful! This is the divine feminine rising, 2018 is the year of this.
I feel myself being so tender, more just wanting to flow and let this feminine energy in me be expressed, and let the heart guide me, go away from logical planning and aggressive action. Feel another’s heart, learn the language of my own heart and follow what its saying moment to moment, without trying analyze every action, just flow and float into what feels right and let the heart illuminate the path.
It’s hard being me, or the “me” that the external sees me as, I find it so 1D and boring, the world can’t see the me that I see, the innerverse that is housed in me. So go inward and meet the beautiful YOU that you define and you CREATED, stop looking to programmed robots of culture to give your life meaning!
There should be a comparable word for “Wanderlust” for people who are fearless explorer’s of the inner-verse. Society will catch up soon enough and see the value in introspection, it’s really the only “spection” I just realized that my external role/mask of “peter” is never going catch up to something that is boundless bottomless and infinite, and that is love. So why try.
Source: I am a tool, your tool for love, source, do with me what you will. I’m ready to jump out of the plane, knowing your always with me, guiding me, as I free fall and watch all of these old Peter’s die and dissolve so I can meet my only true purpose and essence in life: love.