I love talking to people who are “awkward” and don’t have a perfectly fortified mask, I know they are human and they don’t pretend. They are not good at hiding their heart, their insecurities are right out on display, their humanity. These are such beautiful humans, the fire burns strong in their heart, they know there is nothing gained by pretending and marching in lockstep with our world of Truman Show actors. (I live in the United States of Actors.) I probably won’t become your best friend if you always say the right thing and laugh perfectly on cue, like a puppet being pulled by strings and curate your social media profiles obsessively. I’m a pretty isolated person, my sensitivity to energies my entire life has caused me to retreat from other humans and talk to the energies and learn what they are trying to tell me in silence and solitude because the energy will not stop pounding on my door.
I’m the person who knows the feeling of being immediately talked about or called “weird” after I exit a group social interaction, the way Michael Phelps knows water. I consider myself an Olympian at being put-down, not that I have some special flare or that people are jealous of me, but simply because I have come off as awkward and paralyzed by self-consciousness most of my life.
I have experienced it thousands of times, so I earned the wisdom that comes along with it. I just know, in the way that I know I can usually never execute the triple twist backflip of a gymnast and showmanship that is the group norm or dictated norm of behavior/execution. So I know it well, and have gotten better, at knowing when someone smiles to my face and says something “nice” and then, after I exit, mutters a comment to their companion about how I am slow, or awkward, or mute, or weird, or “too passionate” “depressed” or whatever it is. It is usually a result of the person not feeling that I helped to fortify the illusion that is their life, via fake smiles, and mutant/robot emotion that is like marching along with orders to the gas chambers in Dachau. Translation: I’d rather die than compliment the elaborate and complexly weaved web of illusions that is your life.
Only now I am slowly, it has taken me a year or more of hard introspection and work, to see that, in some way, my higher self, my soul, designed this path for me, at a deep level, I chose every last part of it. In order to see down as far into the abyss of fakery that exists in our society, like, all of these experiences were grooming me or slashing away all of the false weeds growing that wanted to be seen as pretty, happy plants.
I’m slowly getting better at discerning the world-class level skills of fake-happy people, God there’s so many. I used to be really bad at this and would get deceived regularly and give away my energy to them, and feel used and conned, afterwards. How do you navigate the situation, when you encounter an Oscar-level actor who is so good at it, smiling, laughing and spewing that anxiety fueled verbal diarrhea that contains no actual substance, or the pathological/transactional time and energy givers, who have nothing to actually give because they never gave love to themselves…..
… their energy and heart is so diseased and malnourished, drowning and looking to slurp up your energy because they are starving. Stop trying so hard and just sit in silence and accept that you are imperfect and you need to cry because you put your faith in a sick western society of hollow idols, it’s not your fault. Best to keep my mouth shut and move on though …. I’m getting better at this.
If everyone likes you, then what do you actually stand for? What courage or substance do you bring to the world besides being agreeable? Being “liked’? Is this what you live and breath for, approval? When I think about the concept of approval, the word consensus comes to mind, as in group vote or implicit norm off our tribal mechanisms as humans. The wisdom of the crowd has nothing for me, and does nothing but enslaves me to this silently reinforced norm of be similar, be likable, be agreeable, don’t intimidate us with heart, bravery, or courage because we prefer idols and collective orgiastic worship of the fake, because we see “likable” and “nice” as the peak of the mountain in our lives. We are as addicted to approval as attractive people are addicted to the idea that just ONE MORE compliment will fill the abyss in their dead heart. Can’t blame ’em though in a society that brainwashes us into thinking physical beauty equates to heart beauty, I’ve tried my whole life to break free of the rampant sex and masturbation program that advertising and corporations have successfully installed in my mind.
Each group or clique has their own version of this norm but more often than not, it includes pressing the mute button on your own power, uniqueness and forfeit your ability to die and be re-born in your essence daily, hourly. Pushing this mute button on essence happens so that each member of the group can constantly reassure the other members that, you are accepted, you are worth something. Growth and change makes people uncomfortable, so an effective way of negating this is to keep little human benchmarks next to you at all times to constantly reinforce that you are “ok,” that you are “cool.” And the price is stagnation, because “cool” and status quo and the goals of being approved by each other have taken precedence of the individual’s growth as his or her fearless captain of their own soul ship. It’s really like the friends also become the co-comandeers of the ship and then they set sail for where all of the other cliques go, which is back to safe land. Like the saying “you are the 5 people you are around the most.”
It is probably exhausting, pretending to like a dickhead boss, to pretend you are passionate about “marketing” and “stocks” in the interview and to say that in ten years you see yourself as a Vice President at a company, so you can direct more zombies who resent you, just like you resented your boss.
After a breakup, when you get in the car, every single song seems to be written exactly for you, these cry-babies were just the same in the 70’s and 80’s as they are in modern music. I’m just a softy underneath all my tough talk. I want her so bad to be the “one”, although this intuition keeps popping up and pushing it’s way into my mind space, that she was a divine messenger meant to introduce me to a new part of my heart. That she was an angel that had a soul contract with me before we began this incarnation. That her sweet, soft, humble nature, was a part of me that I forgot was inside me. That this angel was meant to awaken my heart to even deeper and more expansive love. I keep associating this nostalgia with her and this intense love I feel for her and I have to continually check myself, and say, was this love always in my heart, was I always capable of this love? Was she meant to awaken me from the illusion that I ever needed another person to radiate the light of the sun that is my heart? It just took this wayward angel popping into my life and leaving after a few months after her mission had been fulfilled and not milling around any longer than necessary?
Romantic/monogamous love in American culture is a concept and mind program that equals higher sales of movie tickets and album sales. It is an indoctrination program, I’m not immune though.
I write like a schizophrenic, ugh, shit, I forgot there’s no such thing as a schizophrenic, Western Psychology made the term up based on an amalgamation of abstract concepts and arbitrary, mental “symptoms.” My spirit is always darting one way or the other because I need to learn more, fail more, see more different dimensions of language and experience. I never want to stop learning.
The ignorant teach me much more in many cases than the enlightened, I am taught to be more patient and tolerant, and how clueless I am, and how frequently I mistake a passing wave of ego for some type of permanent satisfaction. I ride the ego wave, sometimes I ride with a cavalry, of horses and medieval warriors to pillage and conquer a city, in my mind, and then I realize I just published a blog post and I’m still in this 27 year old, tall body.
Human time is so imaginary and silly, I’m an old soul with the heart of the child. I’m never gona stop living the examined life, (“your so serious all the time Peter”), and laughing at your attachment to “Vice President” and “Doctor” and “Trader.” Stereotypes are meant to be shattered, and I don’t think there is anything more satisfying than this. Carving a path and showing others that their individuality and their unique heart fire is valuable to the world, in fact that the world desperately needs your individuality in a sea of robots, is more valuable than 10 billion dollars.
Conformity has a gravitational force field. It is strongest around and in religious institutions, schools, government buildings, extended family gatherings. I have learned that I need to protect my spirit and individuality and not be in these places too frequently because at this early seedling phase of my reclaiming my power, it can be shaky and these places often drain me, and siphon out my confidence and courage. And cause me to question the validity of my vision, and tempt me with the sweet siren song of sameness and safety (closed-heartedness in exchange for empty words of flattery, and emotion paralysis).
This siren song of conformity manifests as that nervousness or physical tightness that you feel in your chest when contemplating a truth or heartfelt thing you want to say and you are feeling the strong force to tamper it down to the shallow love language of the crowd. That is conformity energy, it has become bigger than the people around you, they usually don’t realize that it has taken up residence in their body and is driving their actions. At root though, the conformity energy is trying to push your body, words, behavior into lowering yourself and playing small in order to make the others feel more comfortable. This “modesty” mind program of our society, which is so blatantly fake because no one in the popular-culture- media- mind-control-machine is modest and everyone idolizes the mask-wearing fame whores, and secretly wants to be one of them.
The “modesty” ideal, as the way our culture has presented it, that one might strive for at social gatherings, is false really. What the herd encourages, what they have taught about, “it is good to be humble and self-effacing” has mostly been co-opted to propagate the suppression of emotion and heart. Of course it is good to be humble and grounded and not an ego-maniac but in the way the prevailing mindset actualizes the idea, it is wielded frequently to suppress and neutralize people who want to sing their heart. The “modesty” the collective desires for you is really quiet obedience and acquiescence to the prevailing ego-terrorists who have installed their program in your mind via TMZ and Perez Hilton. They feed off and gain power when you play inferior.
This hijacked version of “modesty” in our society is meant to silence the people who want to remind all of the others what it means to actually feel when you don’t get buzzed on wine three nights a week in order feel ok about your marriage that is long dead, when you don’t subscribe to the corporate machine’s playbook for life and heart, and what it’s like to not feel like a prisoner at the place you work. So the implicit message I feel transmitted to me at gatherings and from the collective is, “if we hate our lives and are blind to most of our emotions, you have to stay in this electric fence for a dog too just like us.”
The force, or frequency, or vibrational waves of conformity are fortified when a larger quantity of souls under the spell of conformity are gathered together and there is a synergistic effect and multiplying of the resonance of the energy field. The people under the spell of this frequency, which is especially magnified at social gatherings, can’t see you, at whatever frequency you are at, they only know their frequency and can’t understand why anyone else would be in a different mode of operation for thought and behavior, because they are programmed.
Protect your energy and individuality like a Lion protecting her cubs, the stakes are pretty high, when it’s the difference between surrendering your soul to the crowd’s frequency or nurturing and fostering your vision into something that creates it’s own vibrational frequency, that the sheep then might flock to, but its going to be like David vs. Goliath, because the masses’ conformity energy is pretty damn strong. There are so many energy vampires, that want to tune their antennas to the frequency of ideologies, the frequency of old and tired social norms and someone else’s game-plans for their life.
Who wants to create the new paradigm, the new frequency? If you’re going to do it, you better be sure you got warrior strength, because you are competing or attempting to carve out this new frequency, in a world where conformity frequencies, of different shapes and sizes, blanket the entire world we live in. The conformity energy will try to neutralize you and make you believe you aren’t worthy of your own frequency, it will try to siphon out your energy and replace it with the conformity energy.