As soon as your born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
’til the pain is so big you feel nothing at all,
a working class hero is something to be
They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,
they hate you if your clever and they despise a fool,
’til you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules,
a working class hero is something to be,
When they tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,
then they expect you to pick a career,
when you can’t even function you’re so full of fear
keep you doped with religion and sex, and TV
and you think you’re so clever, and classless and free,
but you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
a working class hero is something to be,
there’s room at the top they are telling you still,
but first you must learn how to smile as you kill,
if you want to be like the folks on the hill.
–Working Class Hero, John Lennon
A lot of my anger stems from grasping at ego, has taken me a long time to realize that. I continue to learn how to channel the fire that burns in me. I often get blinded by my own light that wants to beam out of me, it intimidates me to look down for there too long and too often. I think that what that is, is allowing other’s judgments, those old mechanisms, the other’s judgment living in my head and running on a loop. When I can recognize that those old thought patterns aren’t mine, I can begin trying to release them.
When I look back on old posts of mine, I am embarrassed some days, and other days I am proud to be finally speaking my truths and I think that I am saying things that make me uncomfortable because they go against the status quo. I still have a lot of this bluster I have (pounding my chest and proclaiming my presence in the tribe) from a lifetime of feeling like an outsider. I know I still have a lot of this small-minded ego obsession to overcome, trying to release it and find my center below ego swelling and immaturity.
I feel like the messenger or the conduit for something, a signature, a unique fire and rage, and love that can be channeled into something that could have an impact on Earth. However, sometimes when the message flows through, the fire is allowed out, the creative expression is allowed to dance like crazy, the truth is allowed to roar like a lion and sometimes that light blinds me. The truths I write and speak that want to come out of my soul, scare me often, and I feel uncomfortable delivering them via, my embodiment in life and in writing, and in spoken word.
In the course of this apprenticeship with my higher self and soul the past 6 months, they have helped me to take control of the wheel more and become more at home in my body, synced with my spirit. It is like I am re-learning and re-membering what I came here to do, every day, another “shyness” or “modesty” or small-minded, construct of my identity falls away. I learn and glimpse a deeper layer of the endless strata of illusions that I have taken on that prop up the lie that I was ever powerless or helpless, or not a beautiful creature.
When I surrender and tune in with this energy, let source guide me, flow with me, it is a truly heavenly experience. Source and spirit instill in me a deeper trust and love of the messages coming through me, I learn each day I was never crazy for having passion and being fed up with this stupid barn dance we call American culture. All those years people told me I was crazy, I was emotional, I was depressed, I was shy, I was anxious, I asked too many questions. Just fall in line Peter, take your pills and believe the lies, believe that sex, marriage, money, corporate slavery is all you ever longed for.
The divine spirit side of me knows there’s no doubt I will speak truth to power, or simply spill my heart on the page, show people my unique wounded and full heart, in all it’s ugliness and beauty. that will scare and intimidate many. Many won’t understand, but creative expression isn’t meant for all. If everyone liked what I wrote or said than it wouldn’t be worth a damn. However, when most are asleep, most are comfortable with the status quo, most want their house of cards of illusions to stay intact, even when the winds are pushing them to the point of collapse, it is easy to be swayed by the quicksand of conformity and sheep-like obedience.
A revelation has taken root and grown in me recently, that I was meant to deliver a message of some sort, that there is a higher purpose, a reason, I was put on this earth, to serve the higher divine order, or chose to incarnate here, and maybe it won’t always be pleasant, so having the courage to get to know the spirit warrior inside, to not settle for anything less than the truest expression of this soul, and committing every last breath to that, until I leave this earth.
What happens when you resist the path that your soul was meant to walk? I wonder how many people’s health problems stem from this? Resisting their soul’s mission. What happens when you glimpse down inside the normally locked treasure chest of your soul and you see things that intimidate you? Capabilities and potential that you never knew you had? Strength that you never knew you had? When you see the idea that you are small or helpless is absolutely absurd because we are gods in human bodies?
When you begin to digest the fact that you are not running the show, you have a part in the show that serves the higher order. As a result, I can draw from the bottomless well and eternal force that this source that runs the show can provide.
What happens when you see you were meant for a fight, you were meant to touch hearts and fight injustice? You were meant to commit your life to love and say fuck off to the life society, family, the social order, your socioeconomic level, has planned for you? That I was meant to say fuck off to the people who suggest you put on a suit and fall in line and appear “passable” by making a minimum amount of money? Can one go back to living small and settling for the matrix life after beginning to glimpse these truths?