“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” … “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
“When I cannot sing my heart, I can only speak my mind.”
– Julia, Beatles
It’s too beautiful not to share, you know? It’s too precious not to share this love, because I know it’s not me running this anymore, it’s a divine, eternal, unknowable, ineffable force of ever-expanding love, and there’s room for all of us in there. I’m tearing up and crying all the time these days. It can hit me at the most random times, just gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. Sharing a smile with a stranger these days, can stir my heart into a euphoric frenzy. Why aren’t we all sharing smiles and hugging all the time?
There are heavy days and lighter days emotionally but the inner knowing has started to anchor down and dissolve my ego walls day by day, I think that the perspective is beginning to dissolve the idea of polarity, that there is a difference between “positive” and “negative” or “loving” and “sad”, I’m beginning to glimpse behind the veil and see that those labels are human creations, human ways of categorizing the unknowable and the untameable: the heart and soul. My sadness is as beautiful as happiness because it is composed of the same essence of life, and the essence of all atoms and particles, is love. Feelings of emptiness are really one in the same with feelings of fullness and fulfillment because you can’t have one without the others.
Some days I’m just in my own world of bliss no matter whose around me, I just so urgently want to share it and make a person’s day better, could be as simple as a compliment, a smile, a “how are you doing?” Something about this heart opening and healing, just implicitly says to me, I must share this now!! I want to open more hearts, I want people to know they are amazing and beautiful and they never needed to earn my love, because you’re precious, and fuck anyone who ever told you otherwise! I know this because after excavating seemingly a few miles down into my rock layers of my heart and soul, I saw that, I never needed a reason to love myself, because what is down there at my core, is bring-you-to-tears-level, earth shaking beauty.
The world and society told you one big lie-that you needed to do, perform, construct, earn, work, or do a DAMN THING to earn love. You ARE love. You don’t have love, you don’t find love, you don’t share love, you radiate love like a sun, with a galaxy around you at all times. We are all suns of love capable of sustaining a galaxy of love around us. FUCK the term, “how’s your love life?” There’s no segment of life that is love or specifically romantic, it’s ALL love, every last person in your life is orgasmic, exploding, miraculous love.
My name is Peter and I haven’t drank alcohol in 3 years, after my family held an intervention for me in May of 2015, after I blacked out at a family wedding, humiliated myself and fell in the street and came with two feet of having my head crushed by a truck. I LOVE myself today. That is truly a life beyond my wildest dreams. No amount of money, no job, no woman, no achievement, no recognition, no friend, will ever come close to the miracle, of being able to say,
hey Pete, You’re a special person, you are a loving, gifted, person who deserves all the love and forgiveness in the world. You got a purpose on this earth, people need to hear your message, people need to hear that there is a way out of isolation, of shame, of fear, of self-defeating, out of abusive and angry parental figures and fucked up families.
Everything else after fierce and unflinching self-love is just an icing on the cake: wife, career, work in life, it’ll all come, but I needed to get my shit straight, that THERE IS NO AUTHENTIC LOVE WITH ANOTHER, WITHOUT FIRST LOVING YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. Otherwise, relationships are just based on shared trauma and finding a mirror, of your childhood unmet needs.
I look around I see a world so sad, so beaten down, so lost in the illusion of “work.” It frustrates me. This construct of corporate slavery “Well that’s just the way it is.” Who says the only way to have the “good life” is to work 8 hours a day, who is history mandated that one must work all the time to be happy? It’s a rather arbitrary construct and model of living isn’t it? Letting the government and corporations tell you when to show up, when to leave, which days you can take off as “holidays”?
Why can’t you live in the woods and plant a fully self-sustaining garden and use 2-3 changes of clothes? I’m about ready to start flamethrowing the love in this heart, at people, at oppressive and corrupt institutions, at families, put my heart on the line, right out there on the chopping block, because it’s worth it, if it means it will help one other person open their heart.
The mystical union consciousness I have experienced with plant medicine and meditation, tells me that yes there is a character, an avatar, a vessel, named Peter, but there really is no Peter. That’s why it’s so silly for a person to hate me, to be angry at me, you can’t hate anything besides yourself, because the whole universe is you, and more importantly, the whole universe is contained in YOU. There is a body, an instrument, a tool, named Peter, that contains the eternal God force, God is working through me, I am a vessel and an instrument for love, period. This is the reason I believe we, this universe came into existence. I came into existence to love myself, to love others. A love so precious and infinite is housed in all of us and I just want people to see it. To see that you aren’t “you” as much as you are a vessel for the child-like joy, infinite creations, of forgiveness and love. I see you pretending to be tough and strong and capable, making your millions, but I know that child wants to come out, he or she, wants to play, wants to love, wants to laugh and stop using competition as a means to drive a wedge between you and your fellow humans.
The reason I have been able to glimpse this level of bliss, of faith in the higher order, is because I stared down the demons in myself, I sat through some of the most exhilarating, terrifying, moments of my existence in ceremonies with mushrooms and with Ayahuasca. I saw that at root, all of the negative structures, patterns of thought, I had constructed in my mind were just that: structures, programs, strategies, and they could be dismantled. I saw that at root, we are simply our own worst enemies, shame is an epidemic in this world and it is the engine of “productivity” and striving for the Mercedes Benz. I saw that the “darkness” in myself and in the universe, really is composed of the same force of the love in the universe, and that the “darkness” is really just loving entities, playing the role of “scary, “dark”, “painful” for the sake of your growth, you need pressure to get diamonds. What loving and heroic forces they must be if they simply volunteered to play the role of dark? Simply because in a dimension that needs the POLARITY, 3D and earth may be vastly different and primitive than the 12D Light civilizations of pure love we came from.
I know I have this role to play, to help another through, a person who is racked with fear, who never felt they were included, that never thought they had to contribute to this world. I know now I was put here to help those people, because those people are me. It’ll bring you to tears, it’s the most profound thing, to say, I’m on earth for a reason, and it’s not to be famous, it’s to be powerful, it’s not to be the most this and the most that, the fastest, the smartest, the funniest, but to open hearts, everything is just insignificant compared to the task of opening hearts, disarming hearts that are racked with fear and closed long ago from an overload of shame.
I sobbed the other night just recalling, reliving briefly my high school experience, how deeply it scarred me. How I locked my heart up after that, and spent seemingly the last ten years trying to re-open and learn that it was safe to come out again. I went to all-boys high school and every second of the experience, I was on high alert, adrenaline and cortisol rushed through my veins every minute. What a miracle that i am able to cry, to release a painful trauma, that was stored in my body all those years. After I cry, my muscles, my body, my cells, say YES! We feel lighter having just released that trauma out of the body, let’s go love now! The process continues daily.
My throat chakra is on fire lately, truth is coming pouring out like a fire-breathing dragon, ok, let’s do this. It’s like, from my higher self, Peter, ego is dissolving by the day and by the second, you are the vessel, now speak truth because the world needs it, fuck your reputation, your labels, your status, truth conquers all, now go be a vessel for it.
I feel like I only have one setting, raw truth, maybe there is a reason I was always such a poor square dancer at formal family events where the dance we were tasked with executing was one that stayed in the confines and perimeter, of shallow and agreeable politeness. Such a sour cocktail party person I am…. I want to talk about things that matter among people that would rather pretend to like certain things and pretend that things don’t effect them, people that have powered down their vibrant core of raw love and fire. Maybe God intended for me to be the key with grooves that did not fit with the lock shape of polite society, where has polite etiquette and social norms and social structures, hierarchies gotten us? More ignorance, more pretending to be asleep to the atrocities that exist right under our noses, more pretending we are happy when we are dead inside and we hate our wife, and merely tolerate her because it would be too humialitiing or embarrassing to get a divorce. That would mean admitting you are HUMAN, and aren’t a family straight out of a car commercial who wears perky smiles at all hours of the day with a little help from Big Pharma.