“An intellectual is someone who has discovered something more interesting than sex.”
“Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages, than between the sheets.”
– Andy Warhol
Celibacy has been an invaluable tool in finding a deeper part of myself and breaking ground into new emotional strength that I never knew I had. Refraining from orgasm for 3 and a half months has brought me the deepest trust and love in myself that I have ever known. I have learned that the life force, that brings on urges and attraction to the opposite sex, is the same force that creates art, and masterpieces and that fuels great works and deeds of love.
The heartbreak/rage you feel from “the one” dumping you, when harnessed, is capable of producing a masterpiece. When I read a book, or watch a movie, or look at a painting, I want to be taken to a place in my heart and or in your heart that I have never been before. What better way to do that, than to crack open your heart and dive into another layer of depth that you’ve never been before, and in doing so, inhabit a new level of consciousness. The more you break your heart, the more surface area and beauty you can access as a part of your consciousness, going forward, and a deeper love for all things.
You think great art comes from a consistent and unchanging level of happiness? The way I gain self-knowledge and grow beyond the previous days parameters is by cracking my heart open daily, dying daily, it is very painful, but after a while you feel the beauty in it, the pain, or heart opening is really amazing because it is showing me new dimensions of life and love. I just let tears flow out me like Niagara falls lately, and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. How am I so lucky that God is aiding me in releasing, and excavating all the pain I have carried for so many years in my emotional body? The trauma and pain of never being accepted by any clique or group in my formative years and being called “weird” for most of my life.
Celibacy has allowed me to view this very human and instinctual act of sex and procreation from a more objective vantage point. When you go without orgasm for a while, the line between sexual acts, genders, sort of blur, like….. well, this either goes in this hole, or that hole..… does it really make that much of a difference? From what I have felt, physiologically, spiritually, in this jaunt in celibacy, this deep inner knowing is growing, that sex is a deeply sacred act with the power to create worlds when the two people are at a high level of consciousness, like it has the potential to bring two people into a new level of consciousness, to be a co-creation of a new reality. My god….and the way I used to go out and get drunk looking to get with any girl willing….ugh. If I only knew at the time, that sex links souls aura’s and energies for a very long time and can be a real bitch to cut cords and rid from your energy field.
Think, on your next one night stand…..am I willing to carry this person’s energy and all it entails, anger, fear, frustration, for 3 months, 6 months , a year, five years? Could I use the sacred life force in my loins to reach a depth of love in my heart that has never previously been glimpsed? Shit, what did I just throw away in what I just came into her?
A paradigm shattering novel or screenplay, a heartbreaking performance on screen, or the next breakthrough invention in farming or sustainable energy? Is this good looking girl worth giving my creative life force to? Is anyone really? Is anyone even spiritually fit enough at this time to exchange this sacred energy with me? I mean I’ve been through a shitload of dark nights of the soul, and I can’t get down with a girl who pretends or maintains a facade of being “happy” all the time because it is clearly illusion and false. I want someone who has experienced loss and knows the depth of beauty and value in sadness and loss, that loss is the other side of the coin of gain, and that coin is the untouchable stillness at all of our cores, regardless of the atrocities we live through.
Celibacy has allowed me to re-learn about sexuality from scratch. Our culture tried to train us that regular and frequent orgasm is normal, desirable, and really the “only” way to go about it. Everyone just accepts it without a second thought? It devalues people, to say that you shouldn’t be discriminating in how you use the life force of procreation.
When I meditate I ask my guides and angels (when I am fantasizing with mental images and mind movies) .. please transmute this energy from my root chakra up to my heart chakra, please spread it out to my whole body, help me channel this life force into a deeper love. Help me anchor down a field of energy around me and transmit it to everyone who comes into my field. Help it crack open another layer, I want to find deeper love in this heart. Help me find a deeper romance and love with Peter, a deeper trust in this heart. How can I romance myself today?
My resting state of love is so much higher these days, like a baseline of happiness, a baseline of wanting to interact and be around female energy but not possess, just be in awe of their beauty and their energy. It is like a vibration in my heart, in all my cells, in my soul, just this low hum, of appreciation of all things and a desire to find the God in each heart I encounter.
I love females so much more when I am not having sex with them, or trying to. Or I guess, I am only waking up to now, the beauty of a female’s soul, that I previously never glimpsed, as an orgasm junkie/objectifier of women. Being celibate, I am learning to look into the soul of females, to feel their goddess energy, the power to create another human life is sacred and for that reason, females are extremely powerful beings. Whereas before, I was at such a low frequency and perception, that I couldn’t let a female’s value to me, pierce the layer/definition of “giver of 2 seconds of bliss followed by a crash back down self-hatred and addict craving.”
My sensitivity has been too much for almost all the women I have dated. Girls frequently tell me that I am too emotional, so “mushy-gushy.” All people (male and female) secretly fear sensitivity because they know it is power. Being free to express all emotions (good and bad) is a courageous act and forces others around you or prompts them to open their heart.
Most want to keep their heart good and closed, where the traumas can’t see the light of day, because it might throw off their carefully constructed version of reality, that is kept afloat by playing whack-a-mole with any unpleasant or TRUE emotions that want to come to the surface. True emotions might temporarily upset their fragile, prison of fear and ego that they live in. The prison is painted and decorated so beautifully that one can easily mistake it for real. Life is harder outside the prison of fear, ego and illusion, but it’s also real, and true, it’s being free, free of a deep fear of yourself, these chains that shackle you to the ego(separateness) perspective. People in prisons of fear and ego,…..judge others as a life vocation, because everyone and everything outside the bars of their cell appear to be a threat to them. A new perspective might force the person to examine the illusions that populate their life, those illusions are created by them in order to shield truths that are too hard to integrate from their shadow.
It’s also funny that if someone were to make fun of me for saying this (most males are terrified of their inner feminine) I would probably laugh because what is there to try and divide and judge about when I’m not even having sex or trying to have sex at the moment….. so how can I take offense to being part of any “club”? Straight or gay? How silly is it that people become tribal and dividing over what guys decide to stick their dick into? The feminine in men and the overall energy frequency of feminine is scary to men, because the divine feminine is the true goddess, that encompasses everything, and submits to everything (like water), but consumes and animates all the creative energy on earth. The feminine is sacred because it births new life, the masculine fights and conquers and ego thrusts, but only within the confines of the universe that is all created and destroyed by the Goddess.
Celibacy, for me, has allowed me to find the God, and the feminine in myself, the complementing energy polarity that we all need. We need both masculine and feminine energy, but it is birthed within. So much agony and struggle stems from the denial of the feminine in men, the inability for men to just ALLOW themselves to feel emotions without discrediting them. Celibacy has allowed me, to love myself, to realize I can satisfy all of my emotional needs without chasing after a women and using her for a drug high, not just for sex but the co-dependent ego stroking and blackmail like transaction that IS most relationships. Faulty wiring and weak engines trying to take fuel from the other engine with weak and empty compliments for a person who never learned how to love him or herself.
Celibacy is like gradually, having the volume of truth coming from your soul, being turned up just a little bit, every single day. It becomes loud enough where you cans start to hear it’s guidance, and hear from the heart, and to use the heart’s guidance as a compass, the heart becomes louder than the mind.
Whether you an atheist, spiritual at all, if you embark on the path of celibacy, you are going to start feeling something; in your loins, in your body, in your heart, in your soul: Life force, intuition, vitality, love. Latent dreams and passion, hints from the soul compass bubbling up through the protective rock layers of your being.
Once you discover that there is something greater to strive for and chase after than sex, it is like being freed from captivity. There is this whole world waiting outside of the imprisonment of sex and masturbation addiction that evolutionary programming is keeping you subordinate to.