All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them you know not me
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go. – Father and Son, Cat Stevens
When you’re all alone, I will reach for you,
when you’re feeling low, I will be there too.- Apocalypse, Cigarettes after Sex
Love asks: are you a being of unconditional love, made of the same particles that every inch of the cosmos is? ……… or are you a separate entity, that sits safely behind the fences of ego?
Are you willing to die for me, millions of times over, in service of the higher order?
Will you die for me in order to be reborn into your truest essence and align with your soul mission?
Will you surrender and watch your attachments implode in gruesome fashion, dissolve in order to make room for a realer and truer love? Found in and provided only by your own heart and it’s link to eternal source consciousness… and nothing else.
Do you desire to know the naked, raw core of the IS-NESS that composes you……. or simply the decorations that adorn it?
Will you let me explode the granite rock layers of your ego, and your illusory projections, even when it’s painful? Even when you think you are dying and your world is crumbling down in front of your eyes? Can you surrender and trust that it’s all serving you?
WIll you let me show that you aren’t Peter, and you never were, you were infinite source love that flows like oceans, tsunamis, rivers down from the mountains and never dissolves, only redirects, rebirths, changes form for eons, eternally?
Will you find me in the grief over the deaths, the losses that are coming to you?
Will you feel me there with you, while you shed the tears and wail in agony?
Will you find the infinite love in the grueling, incision into the heart’s once sturdy and impenetrable outer layer of skin? and as I make cuts into each deeper layer successively?
can you accept that you don’t know what love is because you are writing the story of love? You are God made conscious of itself exploring the unfelt, and that you are feeling new emotions daily and bringing it into the collective of humanity?
Who dares to venture out to the edges of the known stars that compose the galaxy of love, to find new planets and bring their elements and healing properties back to your brothers and sisters on earth?
—–=—————— I’m in Hawaii. I’m riding my bike to the beach, I’m spaced out, in my own world again, the cumulative weight of several Peter’s, or identities I thought I was, are dying and collapsing and they are felt like a boulder on my chest. Source is beckoning me again: will you let more of Peter die again today? Well, it’s happening anyway so hold to the center. Earthquakes and destruction coming your way. It manifests as tightness in the chest, restlessness, an unnameable dis-ease, an inability to focus on any human concepts, or any trivial conversation fodder and an aching, a yearning to be alone and feel the heavy emotions and learn from them in silence.
People want me to be “Peter” today, I just want to find a quiet place to let massive ice chunks that compose parts of my ego fall off me and float into the ocean, can I just do this in peace? I feel like a prostitute or a witch during the Spanish Inquisition, parts of my body are being ripped off of me, like I am having a gullioutine taken to me, the Peter that is constructed by the identities, false, shell realities that I continually put my faith and attach my earthly identity to, are being axed off of me and it is painful. It feels like heart pain, like a loss of something I never knew wanted, a craving for something that I had my whole life but forgot what it was. Perhaps I am beginning to feel a new innocence that has been hidden in my heart, that I never got a chance to feel growing up, in a sociopathic culture, and it feels scary and intimidated for this reason. But who said liberation of the heart was easy? As the old realities collapse, I feel the warmth of fires that have burned in grasslands of my heart that I have long forgotten about. Is it ancient, primordial, eternal source fire?
I need my silence. You want me to be a fixed set of traits, that can be assigned a certain body called “Peter”, a flesh mass that houses blood, nerves, hormones, waste, bones, and muscles. I’m not him. I never was him.
Source is rumbling in my heart, inviting me to commune with the higher worlds, and to greet and feel the love in the air and in my soul, I know intuitively I have safe refuge, physical calm, less stimuli, on the sand and in the waves. At the beach, it is easier to float up high, hear the radio signals of far off galaxies and earthbound spirits, of my creator, to feel the pulse of the collective heart. Many people are hurting today, dying to themselves it seems, the feelings are loud, rough, and debilitating today.
As I ride my bike on the sidewalk and the trucks pass, I feel his familiar dread, this feeling that I am dropping into the void again, a feeling I have experienced thousands of times over, since being a child: a world-weariness, an existential dread, a homesickness for my home planet, or my spirit home, wherever that may be.
Where are all these sensitive, high-musical note spirits, who are pulled constantly between the world of physical and spirit, and feel the pain of the entire world in their hearts, where are they? Why are there so few of us? Couldn’t you have dropped a few more on this planet, mothership? Most of my life, the hopeless and hapless parents, teachers, Psychologists “diagnosed” me as being maladjusted, depressed, anxious and gave me the brainwashing, zombie pills, SSRI’s that I could never stay on for more than a month or so.
The late afternoon sun beats down on me as I pedal on the bike. The tears come streaming out of me then, it feels like hurricane waters bursting the walls of a levee, and once it goes over that cliff, that apex, of sadness and the BOOM, Explosion, ALLOWANCE of emotion. The relief is immense and immediate. I then feel gratitude pour out of my heart, I feel more centered and grounded on this mysterious and strange planet Earth, I notice the gardeners working in the yard and the pink flowers jutting out into the sidewalk.
I laugh as I peddle along and as the tears have dampened my face into a reddish, blushy mess, You signed up for this Peter! You volunteered for this! What is there to be “sad” about? It’s not sadness. It’s being slingshotted into a new deeper dimension of love, it is learning that heartbreaks are merely initiations into higher consciousness, they are merely a grooming, a proving ground, a training ground in preparation for the soul mission. SILLY ME, not being thankful for my healing and magical tears. You’re so damn lucky to FEEL Peter. To FEEL is ecstasy, to FEEL the heart, no matter over a loss or a gain, these are silly distinctions to the heart, it simply wants to be opened infinitely. To expand FOREVER.
It seems the wave has crashed in my heart and soul, given time and space, to form and travel through my emotional body, that’s all it wanted to do, to cleanse, to be FELT and then released, like a passing wave in the ocean.
I lock up my bike on the fence, walk out and see the turquoise water, feeling the sand on my bare feet: home. I drop my stuff on the sand and head for the water. I run through the waves out to deep enough water and jump in. This is my re-charge, my cleanse, I connect with earth, Gaia can re-tune me to her channel while I float on my back in her ocean. The salt cleanses my emotional body and calibrates me to the frequency and the life force of nature: the come and go, the tides, the storm and the calm, the clouds and the sun, the wind and the calm, she helps to balance the dueling masculine and feminine energies in me. I float on my back, becoming conscious of my deep breaths, making light flutter kicks, Im in the void again. I find this calm, peace, staring up at the passing clouds thinking, God I’m so lucky to be alive. How am I so lucky that I get to live out this story, this fairy tale? Every day that passes it feels more and more like a dream. Did I just dream it?
In the void, after the usual initial panic, I have become more comfortable with it, because I know it means another false version of reality, or several, are being shed off me like a snake or a butterfly emerging from a larvae that was once a caterpillar. There was an antenna installed deep in my soul before I incarnated, that picks up the signal from my home galaxy/star system. Or is it simply the higher order of love that we all have an antenna to tune into at any time? It took me 27 years to figure it out, but I now I can hear it , I came here with a mission and all the anxiety, the emotions, the bliss, the fire, I feel in my soul, is and always was, the mothership communicating with me, it is a way of aligning me of my deepest soul mission and purpose.
You have a soul compass too, I’m sure. The task of this life is DEPROGRAMMING, that’s it. From day one, you are taught you don’t have magic in you, you dream too big, you’re too much of an idealist, well I say FUCK THAT SHIT. We’re light warriors and we’re here to fuck shit up, to die and be reborn daily. We volunteered to die in the fires off the heart in order to be melded into fearless warriors that reclaim the divinity and pure heart of humanity.
I sink and float down to the bottom 6 feet below the surface, I hear nothing, only feel the vibration or feeling of the waves passing and crashing above, I blow out bubbles slowly. this moment is perfect, it could last an eternity. All I seek its stillness beneath the thrashing, surface level bullshit. Why can’t we all value inner peace above all else? Before it’s too late and you have a brain tumor and are mourning the fact that you never got to meet the purest part of your heart? To me that’s a bigger tragedy than anything, not meeting your inner child who is dying to come out, to not cry out the pain of those childhood years and all that pain and anger that isn’t even yours?
It’s just that you were raised and indoctrinated to idolize psychopaths, addicts, and people who wear a mask and try to hide that they have dead, rotting hearts. I know this because this is how I was raised and what I was indoctrinated into also.
Floating at the bottom of the sea, I think, if I died right here, my body floated out into the ocean, who would notice? I’m a solitary wanderer soul, I signed up on a mission to come to this “Earth” probably a couple hundred million light years away from where I originated and that’s why the things I thirst for, only a small portion of the population thirsts for. No one “understands” me because I signed up to bring some pretty weird and crazy shit here, it’s got a lot to do with the heart though, I know that, I learn more daily. Where are you guys? I know I’m meeting you soon and things are aligning, I feel that excitement and soul-knowing, I’m not as nervous about it as I once was. Would the ten years olds surfing the waves around me even notice I was gone and had slipped under the surface?
My soul would probably be excited and elated to go back to the home planet/dimension. It would be easy to slip away, suffocate maybe 30 or so seconds of agony and then my soul goes into flight and back to be ineffable, all-encompassing, force of love that can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. But I can’t give up on the mission. I have work to do while I’m in this body.
What is this body? Matter? Energy vibrating at a certain rate compared to matter (thought or spirit) that vibrates at a much faster rate (higher frequency)? What is it essentially ? Flesh, dust, bones, MATTER is my vehicle but my soul’s got a FIRE THAT’S GOTTA BE FELT. It’s the only reason I was born here. THIS PAIN NEEDS TO BE FELT because it is where new worlds and warrior hearts are forged into existence. This soul is a vessel and a messenger bearing gifts of forgiveness and came installed with a finely tuned soul compass, a heart compass.
Did you come here to make people comfortable or did you come to help humanity evolve into deeper and newer forms of love? I’ll tell you: you came here to make people realllllllyyyyy uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that they in fact give up the illusion they call a life and see a new way, a new light, a beacon that emits light and attracts souls to it looking for a way out, a way through, you volunteered for that, you came here to be a vessel and a messenger. You think they let JUST ANYONE be in a body on earth?
You basically had to make an all-star, all-galaxy team to even get a try out to incarnate on earth, and then excel amongst all those other warrior souls that wanted to be here. SO I ask……. have you bowed to the sacred divinity that you are today? You are a warrior God meant to explode your own heart in service of infusing every living soul around you with a divine, all-consuming power, that power is divine grace. ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOTHING AND FEEL THE POWER OF AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Kill that weak shit you call a life: names, labels, false identities, partnership, co-dependent bullshit, LET IT GO……and say “Love, please demolish, destroy, and incinerate everything that I thought I was today, and show me what I really am. I’m ready to die and be a vessel and conduit for divine love and nothing else.”
You are everything and nothing, imperfect yet perfect at every moment, separate yet contained in the collective heart of humanity, feeling it’s pulse at every moment.
How can you steer wrong when you are powered by the divine -the God force. You’re heaven sent. You can’t do anything wrong when you aim for love of all creatures and dedicate your soul to love and only love. Shame is imaginary. I don’t want to see your polish, I want to feel your SHINE. Imagine a world where everyone beams unconditional love from their heart to everyone and everything regardless of who reciprocates…..sounds like PARADISE. Imagine feeling the BEAMING soul light of a stranger at the coffee shop and then feeling a three hour high and infusion of heart power from a glance and a smile? We have the power to do this! If we just REALIZE THAT TO HEAL YOURSELF IS THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING HUMANITY.
I can’t tell you how many times someone gives me a compliment or a statement of their love and gratitude to me and most of the time a person doesn’t even realize how massively impactful they have been. It just bowls me over and hits me right in the deepest part of my heart. It feels in my heart like…….. You feel me, you know me, I have an effect, someone knows that I love and I try and I want to be better. There have been times when a person pulls me out of a 6 month rut, just to know I am seen, I am felt in any way, in this COLD WORLD can change a life. Imagine a world where everyone felt that all the time. How many people live years without a single person telling them that they matter and that they have a massive storehouse, a dormant volcano. that goes miles deep into their core, filled with the ancient, all-consuming, the deadly and powerful magma of love?
I guarantee you there is someone in your life that is putting up a facade, pretending, being nice, but carrying a massive amount of pain and thoughts that they are never ENOUGH. I see them all around me, people can’t even hide how sick this world become the trauma is written all over their face. This world is hurting.
One comment can rock a world, change a course, stop an irreversible self-harming action, pull someone back from the ledge, and you never even know how close to the ledge they have gone. We don’t see the nights where a person’s mechanisms of shame and self-hatred near devour them and convince them of this fucking bullshit competition way of defining souls in our society. A tragedy is when a person doesn’t know of the worlds and the galaxies of love that are housed in them, they never know that they were meant for so much, REMIND THEM.
You hold the power to remind a person that they are a beautiful miracle of a soul and have infinite love to give. Who has kept you afloat? Who has given you that pat on the back and reminded you to keep going when you felt paralyzed by the worthlessness, the nonsense that this transaction/narcissist culture tried to brainwash you into?
Compliment their necklace, their shoes, do that massively TABOO thing in our culture, say….“how are you FEELING today?” Shock ’em! and don’t settle for their scripted response ……. find a way, disarm their defenses. Show them loud and clear, or soft, gentle, tender that you HAVE A HEART, no matter if they open back in return or not, that’s not the point, you show them you have a heart and they intuitively are jolted or reminded OHHHHHHH I HAVE A HEART TOO, I have a heart that emits light, no matter how many fences, barriers of protection I try to put up around…….. that person saw it today. Maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem.
You have a heart……to feel depth, to feel emotion, and to me this is pleasure the joy and reason we exist……….. to feel pain, sadness, joy and bliss just the same, this is the ecstasy and agony of being alive.
It’s all too much some days, isn’t it? It can bring you to your knees, lying down in the grass and grasping the earth, saying, through the tears, the agony, the deaths, holding onto the heart through a rollercoaster through hell…….
thank you God, thank you Mother Earth for allowing me to stop here on this eternal trip across the cosmos. I love you.