Spiritual growth is extremely painful, and often sucks

It’s less that I think different, more that I live in a different world.  Because one’s perception is their world. We all live in a different world.  The challenge of existing is to bring down the walls of illusion, and the veils of ego and attachment that prevent one from loving with the truest power of their soul.

People sometimes label me as “arrogant” or “crazy with your theories”  My theories often center around the idea that most people one encounters in America are lobotomized, indoctrinated,  consumption zombies, being operated by remote control from a corporate advertising office on Madison Avenue, chemically hooked on meaningless drama, via emotional conditioning of neural pathways.  These people no longer have conscious control of their brain or soul.  If a person can’t even acknowledge in the smallest way, the stranglehold that corporate media, the political circus, and the 24/7 onslaught of propaganda and advertising has on your brain and thoughts, then you are likely firmly entrenched in your programming.

What is the fabric, content, ESSENCE of your conscious experience, your consciousness as a living organism, but ATTENTION? What you hear/see/smell/taste for the majority of your waking hours is programming/designing/configuring your brain to fire a certain way, like it or not.  If you are Elon Musk or Nikola Tesla it still holds true.  If one makes enough time to be silent and be easy on the five senses, the spirit’s imagination (the sixth sense) can come alive and it can translate it’s messages down to the more archaic mind and then into symbols and a language like…English.

Isn’t it crazy that some people don’t like me, simply because I am always challenging myself to think deeper, look deeper, dissolve more nonsense that is mainlined into our veins from TV, Media, Music, politics about the way I should live my life.  Correction: A LOT of people don’t like me and generally avoid me and view me with suspicion, either because they are intimidated, or they simply don’t like to be challenged or tested in any way.  The ACT-AGREEABLE-LIKE-THERE-IS-A-GUN-TO YOUR-HEAD-ACT is everywhere. Or the ACT-SAFE-CALM-AND SATISFIED-AT-ALL-TIMES-SO-I-DON’T HAVE-TO-EXPRESS-A-NEW EMOTION-TODAY-OR-HAVE-A-NEW-THOUGHT face, it’s EVERYWHERE I look!!!!  Almost like a horror film where everyone has turned into a zombie.  j

Corporate slaves, the mall-shopping UNDEAD blanket the U.S.  The emotional paraplegics (infected with parasites of the heart) are allowed to reproduce and they do so in droves.   They give their kids all their emotional sickness, what monsters.  Stay safe out there.   The deadness is apparent after making eye contact for a few seconds.  Lights might be on, a dim, flickering light, but no one’s home.   It’s so transparent now, it’s like people are trying to convey to me telepathically they that will not stand to think or do something outside of the choreographed-inane-verbal-diarrhea,-slave-procession.  My ideas irritate, agitate, and anger these people.  BE NORMAL DAMMIT, parrot the acceptable opinions that the TV and newspaper, and colleges gave us you FREAK!

It’s a world-turn-upside-down type of realization that only recently has begun to sink in deeper.   As someone who has been paralyzingly self-conscious and false-humble my whole life, due to a festering self-hatred which would rust into a reactionary vanity in order to cope, in a world of massive egos and teenage hard-on existences.

People fear what they do not know, and what challenges their worldview and their carefully constructed, curated, and produced “identity” that includes imaginary concepts such as “career, money, the illusion of security with a romantic partner” Sorry to break it to you man, but you can’t take her with you to the other side.  You’re meetin’ your maker alone, best sit in silence for 5 or so minutes today or at least once before your dead, if its possible for you to be off your smartphone or away from your sex-doll/outsourced sense of self – partner for that long?

The problem with doing a shitload of healing work, excavating your subconscious of all the repressed emotions and shadow side that previously ruled your life, and being unflinching in your never-ending quest to see the true nature of reality and “self” is  ….

  1.  99.9% of people don’t give a flying fuck about the true nature of reality, spirit, perception, God. THEY JUST WANT A SAFE AND COMFORTABLE LIE.   A safe and comfortable spouse who doesn’t challenge them,  safe and comfortable friends, a safe and comfortable career where your truest self and heart stays locked deep in the dungeon, with their long dead inner child (Autopsy showed COD was suffocation, kid was never let up for air.) (The rotting corpse pollutes and obstructs the heart pathways.)
  2. You start to look at family members and think, who is this person?  I used to know them and love them ….or the “idea” I had of them in my mind most of my life that was created out of a socially constructed consensus idea of value in our society.  But these shallow ways of defining people has not stood the test of my spiritual awakening, the constructs in my mind of “morally admirable” or “upstanding”, “dignified” family members have crumbled down like cement pillars during an earthquake.
  3.    My heart compass,  through which I orient and operate in the world, has radically shifted, as if it moves in accordance with different gravitational laws and a different universe now.  My values have undergone a metamorphosis, when I see a person making millions and working 10 hour days I see someone emotionally and spiritually dead on a treadmill and enslaved to their mask, title, role; it is imaginary. When I see a person who is razor sharp, a master of deception at ACTING HAPPY all the time and derives small ego highs from pings of their status game of Mario ’64,  (a concert, a date and sex with his wife, 5 glasses of wine, a nice car, I see through it in 2 milliseconds………    It is more that I feel it with my heart: discernment.  Empathic people understand this intuitively.  It is intuition, and has nothing to do with ordered reason and logic.  The spiritual bullshit detector, (my heart antenna) has been tuned and honed over many years and has learned from thousands of mistakes, thousands of instances where I did not trust my heart and gut intuition and paid the price in drained energy and exhaustion from those with hidden malicious agendas, or simply people who have never been nourished by their own soul light so need the light of others (energy vampires) like a zombie needs flesh and blood.
  4.  This spiritual awakening has made everything suck in a way, I can’t enjoy all the things I used to.  My heart’s like: hey Pete you gotta get in on this God stuff, there’s a tunnel in your heart, that if you dive into it, God and infinity is in there, it’s awesome, but you gotta be alone for a year or five and go to it’s deepest depths and reality will shift in lots of ways.  Like literally the way you perceive time will bend and break, shrink and expand, and you’ll see love and the heart has it’s own “time” (time isn’t real) and things that you once thought were real, you will see they aren’t. You’ll learn the timeless and eternal language of souls and spirits.
  5. It’s like watching all my relationships drop away, just die and dissolve right before my eyes.  Once I have seen behind the veil, or taken the “red pill” many times over,  I know too much about the endless well of deception and illusions that most are employing in day to day life and I can’t be involved in it.
  6. Well I can’t enjoy: the obvious one, meaningless conversations while inebriated on alcohol, or generally fake praise and encouragement from people who don’t really want you to succeed and try to tell you that you “won’t be able to do that” because they want you to stay firmly implanted in the role they have designated you, in their movie.  If you venture outside the acceptable perimeter of this, it might cause the person to re-examine their view of the world and their “reality” and they don’t want that.  It isn’t personal, they just want and need safety and stability. Your not “Peter” or “John” to them as much as you are simply a puzzle piece or another pillar keeping their fragile world and view of reality together.  Their view and perception of their worth as it relates to the rest of the world.  Once people have an idea that they have a set and specific role as “upstanding citizen” or “stock market whiz,” or “entrepreneur”, “successful real estate agent who loves to kick back and get drunk on the weekends” they aren’t likely to want to budge from it, it’s more comfortable to ride this and stay in the same safe and “hard-working” career path, where you sit at the same desk and do the exact same thing everyday until you’re dead.
  7. Family will be the last people on this earth to see or admit any change in you as a person.  Seeking validation and a new and evolved relationship -absent of power dynamics and roles with a family member, is like trying to ring up an ex-girlfriend and expect you two to meet and get along like old friends who are catching up with absolutely no baggage.  The emotional neural pathways, (chemicals in the brain released during certain expressions via words and gestures) are so strongly conditioned as to almost be like a shock collar on your neck that signals when to react and when to get pissed. Distance, time away, and boundaries are crucial here.  Family members have been projecting their internal misery and strife onto you for their entire lives.  They’re not going to give up their opinion of “brat little brother” without a fight….come on now.   You being the “brat little brother” is what keeps your siblings “identity” intact because their identity is based on a power dynamic, a hierarchy-based-illusory worldview. (the idea that their worth is dependent on the way people outside of them behave towards them.)

No wonder people who create soul-rattling and paradigm-breaking things, are loners who are inwardly tormented……who wants to hang out with a person who has an unquenchable thirst for truth and never ending pangs to make meaning of my conscious experience, in a world full of lies, masks, bloated robot egos?  A world where one is rewarded for living a lie just like everyone else lives the lie.

“Fitting in”= sick people confirming and validating other sick people’s illusions, false identities, and ego-based attachments and idols, via empty gestures and words.  It’s like…… hey, your sick just like I’m sick, we both need this hit of heroin (validating, fake smiles, co-dependence, body/sex addiction, shallow romantic attachment, repressing emotions with “acceptable” social anxiety pills and alcohol, and never saying a true word about one emotion we’ve felt) so I’ll shoot you up with this needle (confirm your lie), if you shoot me up also (confirm my lie).  Or maybe a more apt metaphor: vampires/cannibals- you can drink my blood if you let me drink yours too, it’s the only way to stay alive. Otherwise we will go into idol/jealousy/validation/false status-withdrawals, which could be dangerous and cause one of us (hosts for parasitic demons) to go on a rampage (being forced to experience an authentic emotion when their repression tools aren’t available). SO the dynamic is, or transaction IS:  If you let me project my childhood traumas onto you and operate within my comfortable frequency of emotional violence towards you, then I’ll let you do the same to me.  After we’ve had our rush of adrenaline and dopamine from pretending the OTHER PERSON (YOU) are sick and the sickness isn’t coming from inside ourselves, then we can hug and get off the drug addict rollercoaster ride.

They have been programmed to be a “good boy” or a “good girl”, so they don’t even have conscious control of their brain, mouth, limbs.  They are just acting from programming like a well trained dog or a robot.  Nothing about them is true.  Do all the acts and put on the show and be “kind” “polite” “well-mannered”  “sweet” and your still a fake, sorry.  I can feel your heart, words are a nice formality but basically meaningless to me.

Hmmm except I use my words as my sword while channeling sacred God force- they are meaningful then…when I’m being a conduit for God, I’m a megalomaniac hahaha it’s all a fucking game anyway.  When you get a little taste of God force you need to be careful, ego wants to swell into a massive fortress and take the God force on a bender in Vegas or Miami, ego is always waiting right there like the supermodel in the sports car, beckoning to me, please come Peter, so many dopamine and short acting highs from ego battles and thrusting await us!

These people don’t realize there are oceans of repressed emotion that lurk, swish, swirl in their subconscious that direct their lives like a heat-seeking missile to a battleship of mediocrity and emotional drama (repeating and seeking refuge in the emotional storms that you know, because it is comfortable and safe.)

So when you go this deep, it’s very lonely, because most DON”T WANT THE TRUTH ABOUT THEMSELVES, OR TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THEIR INTERNAL MISERY.  THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM TRANSFERRING ALL OF THEIR EMOTIONAL HANGUPS AND TRAUMAS STRAIGHT ONTO THEIR OWN CHILDREN WHENEVER THEY DO REPRODUCE.  It’s disgusting to me, how blind and callous people are about bringing a life into the world when the kid is subject to the projections of the oceans of repressed anger, fear of abandonment, self-hatred of the parents from the moment they lay eyes on the kid.  The blind leading the blind, it’s generational, this normalized and acceptable repression, and I must be nuts because I’m one of 5 people in the world that see it.  The ignorant herd can crush the truth speakers because an asteroid will hit earth before an ego bot can employ self-examination and admit a fault.  Normal people don’t say such rude things Peter, clearly you have issues that your just lashing out at other people about.  I could never be wrong about anything, so therefore Pete, I must label you “crazy”.

People think that polite agreement and TIME, or ATTENTION, can qualify as love and it’s not even close.  To me, with people that hate themselves and are extremely repressed, it’s like playing dress-up or acting in a play.  They expect me to smile back at their fake smile and pretend they aren’t drowning and suffering on the inside.  But the self-deception and mind’s capacity to protect and repress painful emotions is very effective and masterful so they are TRULY convinced they are happy, not decaying on the inside, they have never seen outside the walls of the cage so how could they know what it looks like outside of the ego?

I’m fucken morbid aren’t I?  Even I can realize I’m a bitter pill to swallow.  But I don’t really have a choice, this is how I am to myself, or my soul/higher self is like this, won’t give me a damn 2 day stretch without destroying another ego based attachment or a false perception of an idol.

I trigger other souls because I trigger MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY, I trigger myself every hour, every minute even,  my higher self is like a slave driver.  I know I’m really not that fun to be around when I’m on one of my “society is deeply sick and needs to be woken THE FUCK UP!!!!” rants but it all needs to come out and better that I fuck up a couple thousand more times and figure out what is the real message and what is just EGOmaniac-Peter (I spew alot of him on here.), than to keep holding the fire in.  It’s all about learning and calibrating to what my most authentic voice and truth is: this message that I volunteered to bring here, (whatever it is….more is unveiled daily).

What did you volunteer to bring here to earth while experiencing the miracle of life?  A title of Vice President for J.P. Morgan, a nice house, a car, 2 kids?  Is that the pinnacle of it all?  Congratulations if it is.


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