Feelin like an alien since birth

Spiritual awakening is de-programming more than anything, it is accepting and feeling in your heart that the haters, the torch carrying mob, is already coming I can already see it in the future and me reclaiming my power has been about seeing that in the future and knowing that what is more important than that, is speaking my truth.

But what does one do when one feels like every single person around them is in a prison that they aren’t aware they are in?   How do you free them from the prison? When they don’t want to be freed from the prison?  They don’t want to be freed from the prison of repression, anger, jealousy, shallow, non-existent introspection, the prison of external distraction that enables their inability to even look at their own heart for a minute and say “I love you, I forgive you.”  No. They prefer fake smiles, more treadmill running in the rat race, have 5 drinks over the weekend to escape, fake emotions, fake life, scripted, robotic existence.

This is what breaks my heart, that I have to let these people go, people I love, that will never leave the matrix mind, never consider a life beyond slavery and “adulthood” because we have been so programmed to think “pleasure” is only reserved for intimacy with your wife and during sexual intercourse.  That they will never leave the life of the compulsive distractions, work, to media, to bar, to smiling and faking with others that are dead inside also.  It breaks my heart and this is the hardest part of going through 1000’s of deaths of old selves and awakening to my soul mission and purpose and the truer nature of reality, is that many I love, don’t want it, they want the safe life of a zoo animal.  It hurts me to see that the pain they are carrying, (that they are convinced no longer affects them) continues to pollute and poison their subconscious and direct their life.  Like their is a blatantly obvious compass or magnet on the top of their head just attracting them to other wounded people and violent, needy people.

Some days I’m like, shit, can I go back?  Can I go back to before I took the red pill Morpheus?  Heavy lies the burden of seeing deeper into the true nature and the bottomless abyss of illusions that we all accept as a “life” and “reality”.  But then I’m like naaahhhhhhhh, we’re diving headfirst into the fiery void to die again.  Death is love, love is death because love is rebirth and it is constantly evolving at every moment.   What a boring universe this would be, if you had to feel the same kind of “love” every day.  God cooks a five star meal of new kinds of love for me, every feeding of the day for me.   My love pallate is exquisite and I got the novelty bug,  I need Brazilian love, German love, Ethiopian love, French, Indian and all the love’s on the infinite number of frequency spectrums, love that only around in the 1600’s and love that will be available mostly in 2400’s and love that travels in time.  Spicy love that stings my tongue, cold and hot, mushy, crunchy, minty, fruity.

I have major anger issues from feeling like an alien since birth in this society of programmed and repressed robots.  It’s hard living in a society that encourages, glorifies and rewards repression and the fake, the act.  Yeah, some days I’ve just been a raging ego-maniac, nothing but a grandiose sociopathic power and attention hungry monster, that’s what I feel like.   But you must understand how hard it is to be born with a heart that’s got DEPTH in a place where everyone you encounter says,,…..don’t go down there in your heart looking for truer and realer love, stay up here with us where it’s safe.  Do our choreographed dance, take your script and read your lines and put a smile on, there’s nothing down there in your heart, the real rewards are out here, in fame, in power, in the green paper.

I got some rage to get out, so bear with me here….  This entire society is a lie and almost everyone you meet is repressed sociopath AS A NECESSITY of surviving in a society that has made every last centimeter of existence, a transaction. Ever notice how much of a struggle it is for people in America to look up at you, smile, say good morning?  Like a slave that has chains around it’s neck and isn’t able to lift his head up and meet your gaze.  It’s literally impossible for some people, because they are living in a prison of anxiety and fear that we were indoctrinated into by this society of psychopaths who would sell your soul and drink your blood, rape your whole family if it meant they could get a higher public offering or a phony cancer drug price hike.

You’re not a human as much as a walking, living, breathing re-creation of an advertisement, with zero original thought and who lacks the ability to express an authentic emotion that wasn’t programmed into you, the same way Stanley Milgram programmed the rats in the experiment to lick the cocaine lever when the bell rings, to get their high.

I don’t play well with others that have tightly surveilled and, prison-like matrix minds.  With these type of people (99% of people) there’s no debate or exchange of ideas, it’s only their desperate and incessant need to defend the illusion that is their life.  Their slave job, their money addiction, their attachments and possessions, their co-dependence, their false idols- of media, politics and hollywood idiots.   Today I said, “Isn’t marriage, like the ritual, the ring, the church stuff, like a cult, really? A bunch of people doing an initiation ritual into a cult of monogamy and nonsense just because every one else is doing it?”  True love (not based on drug-like-dependence/attachment and fear of being alone)- is waaaaaaaaay more rare than you have been led to believe.

Couldn’t we technically have a celebration and a big fancy party when I meet a friend who I will be friends with for a lifetime?  Technically is it really ever love, if 50% of marriages end in divorce?   Did you ever really love someone, if you hate them now, after being married 10 years?  Was it really just a slavish contract, for two people who thought that a person or entity outside of themselves could quench their deep thirst in their soul for self-love and self-acceptance?  Was it ever real love, or just body addiction, co-dependence?

Can we have a celebration when I get a dog, bring some champagne and get a big cake, wear tuxedos?  Dogs are some of the most pure, loving souls, on this earth.  One of my deepest soul connections is with a dog, because we share silence, happily together, we take in nature together, get in touch with our animal instincts and unbridled joy.  We bring out our inner child’s with each other, we sink in the present moment fully together.  Our bond is so much deeper than most who would never dare let a minute of silence reveal the painful  truth that lies below their endless distraction parade they call a life.

Some people get really really angry with me, they hate me because I trigger them and challenge them and call into question their entire hollow existence.   What if 99% are actually deeply sick and they just believe and subscribe to the lie that society sold them.  What if you’re NOT actually crazy for thinking we live in a zombie apocalypse where finding an authentic, still ALIVE soul is as rare as finding a four-leaf clover in the grass?  WHAT IF!

If you think our society isn’t deeply sick, repressed, and sociopathic…….try cutting someone off in traffic or making a minor mistake behind the wheel, hahaha see how the person reacts, almost every SINGLE time, someone loses their shit.   Repressed much??? Hate your life and want to kill yourself much because you plaster on a fake smile that belies a dead heart that settled for a hot wife and two kids before you even knew what you wanted in life?

But hey, when you don’t really know what to do with your life, are stuck and bored, anxious, you’re 28, what better thing to do than to get married, have some kids…..that’s gonna make me happy and solve all my problems right???  Because now I have the checked off the box that everyone in this society tells me I need to check off in order to have value.   I only have value for my sperm and if I don’t ejaculate it into a woman’s vagina by around the age of 30, I must be a freak, a loser, a worthless piece of garbage on the street.  I’d rather be a bum on the street for the rest of my life, than have a slave life in which, I never even ask:

Do I actually love this woman?  Or am I just scared and settling purely out of fear and wanting to conform?   Do I want kids?  Am I emotionally mature enough to bring a precious new life into this world or am I still deeply fucked up and traumatized from the way my wounded and unhealed parents raised me ?  Could a spend a year or 10 alone to heal all the repressed trauma I have that the people around me told me to lock up forever, because they locked up their trauma forever?

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